Life has brought you to Tim Allen’s official forum.
Naturally curious and bored at work, you skim the list of sections. Beneath a few sub-forums pertaining to "Tim’s Movies, TV and Books," you find the more evocative secondary message boards. These are "Tim’s Favorite Things."
There is "The Testosterone Corner," for lovers of cars, racing, tools, and garages. "Mac Attack" provides sanctuary for fans of Apple products ("No debating Mac vs. PC please").
The message boards are sparse, but active. "Men & Women — Half a Mystery" includes conversations like "Why Men are Just Happier People" and "Marriage." In 11 years, a paltry 21 threads have been started, though each post has produced an average of 20 replies. 20 of the 21 messages were posted between the months of August and January. But why?
"The Really Big Questions" might have the answer. This is where Tim invites fans to "exchange your ideas on God, spirituality, philosophy and wisdom." The most recently active post is "What is this all for?"
"I really can't make heads or tails of it," says user TheTimMan in an unflinchingly vulnerable original post. "Are we lucky to be alive? Is it all just one great big mistake? I don't know anymore. Sure, I'm like all of you, I love Tim. Outside of that, I genuinely have no grip on my life, or interest in exploring what I'm sure are endless possibilities. What's the point?"
TheTimMan bumps the topic. He bumps it again. And again.
Nine replies deep, user phillipjwhy, irritated but motivated, makes a call for a return of the forum’s past excellence. "Yes boredom on this forum does indeed got [sic] the better of us," writes phillipjwhy, "but please wait... we will respond. I am trying to get this forum back to its once former glory but people are making this goal hard to achieve. Let us stick together and nothing will overcome us. What do you say?"
User Gdog replies with the full lyrics of Black Eyed Peas’ "My Humps." A verbal scrimmage occurs between phillipjwhy and Gdog, and in the dustup, they all become characters in a French existentialists’ play.
TheTimMan: Fellas, fellas, fellas. Methinks it's time to end this feud. We're all here because of Tim. Why don't you guys each say something nice about the other and lets put this behind us.
Phillpjwhy and Gdog trade more insults, and then a pause.
phillipjwhy: I apologise [sic] for that remark it was out of character. Although u merit a particularly hard approach. And also you should give it a rest about now. I'm bored.