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Jake Paul’s Litmas is the last Christmas album mankind will ever need


Quick question: have you heard Jake Paul’s Christmas album yet? Team 10 and Paul, an influencer who once (more than once, honestly) terrorized an LA neighborhood, released an 18-minute, six-track EP dubbed Litmas that will surely be the last thing your eardrums are capable of absorbing. Shall we begin?

Paul created a mix of Christmas classics and unique hits, starting with his take on “12 Days of Christmas.” My wish list this year will look a lot like Jake Paul’s list:

  • 12 billion subs
  • 11 vloggers vlogging
  • 10 diamond plaques
  • 9 reindeer twerking
  • 8 new puppies
  • 7 British booties
  • 6 Gucci Cases
  • 4 pairs of yellers
  • 3 Jake Paul tees
  • 2 new baby twins
  • with Chance and Anthony

This track is a banger in the literal sense of the word, in that you may feel like your head is being smashed directly into several screens playing every Jake Paul video ever created. Pay this no mind. Continue.

“Litmas” is the titular track for this auditory journey we are on, but hardly the EP’s strongest track. Instead, I’d like to direct your attention to “Deck the Halls,” the height of Christmas spirit:

“Deck the tree with yellow diamonds / Bling bling bling bling blaow ba bling blaow burrh' / Tis the season to be shiny / Bling bling bling bling blaow ba bling blaow burrh”

But if you’re in need of a definitive track to spin under your tree this year, don’t sleep on “Jingle Pauls.” Paul sing-raps about “trappin’ through the snow in a Tesla open sleigh,” and you know he’s just vlogging all the way.

There is no truer holiday sentiment than “It’s Christmas Day, bro,” and so I leave you with the last holiday album you will ever want or need to listen to. A very merry bling bling bling bling blaow ba bling blaow burrh to you and yours, dear readers.