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US court confirms Snuggies are blankets, not clothes

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I put on my snuggie and wizard hat

The US Court of International Trade has ruled that the Snuggie should officially be classified as a blanket. It’s a tax thing. Sorry to anyone who considers a Snuggie their special robe.

Bloomberg reported on the ruling, in which the court dismissed the massive wad of fabric as being anything other than a blanket because it lacks “closures.” Were you hoping to wear it as a clerical robe or for some other ceremonious outing? Tough luck. For it to officially work in that capacity, “At a minimum, one must wear the Snuggie backwards,” the court says.

Snuggie maker Allstar Marketing Group and the US Department of Justice have clashed about this classification since 2010. This is great news for Snuggie makers, who will only pay a 8.5 percent tariff to import into the US, instead of the 14.9 percent they’d be saddled with under a garment classification. This is bad news for people who put on our — I mean, their — snuggies and stare longingly into the mirror while whispering, “Yer a wizard, Harry.” I mean, that would be very sad to do with a blanket and not a real robe.

“But a Snuggie is obvious,” you say. “Why would anyone ever consider a Snuggie clothing?” According to the DOJ, “[p]eople have worn the Snuggie during pub crawls." Let that sink in. The legally acknowledged supporters of “Snuggies as clothing” are the same goobers who piss on the subway during SantaCon.