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We Rate Dads and Lizards: the strange side of Twitter animal reviews

Who’s gonna come out on top?

OHL At Mayakoba - Final Round Photo by Gregory Shamus/Getty Images

At the start of this month, the WeRateDogs Twitter account (@dog_rates) released a new mobile game called Good Dogs. It’s cute and easy to play: you’re a dog running leash-free through a park, trying to pick up golden biscuits while sidestepping obstacles like tree trunks and oblivious cyclists. But the game was proof of something else: WeRateDogs has gotten so popular, it’s basically created its own branded universe (complete with Patreon page). It seemed the time had come, inevitably, to move on.

Obviously a Twitter account as big as WeRateDogs (1.3 million followers) with a very adaptable premise (rating animals) would spawn dozens of knockoffs and competitors. So I decided to look through the weird off-brand cousins of WeRateDogs to find the next big thing in Twitter animal reviews.

We Rate Frogs

@WeRateFrogs is a very strong contender. Frogs are cool and are often doing strange things with their bodies. That’s nice for me, as a viewer. The accompanying commentary, like “HE IS A BIG BOI A LOVELY BOI A WONDERFUL BOI 13/10 FOR THIS BOI” is nice and dumb. 9/10

We Rate Pokémon

@weratepokemon is full of weird drawings of pokémon dressed up as former presidents and memes that are really reaching to find joy in their subject matter. Would not recommend. 2/10

We Rate Dads

Dads are, by standard scientific classification, not an animal. @WeRateDads struggles from the fact that these dads are (presumably) real people just trying to live their real lives, and it’s uncomfortable to rate people. That being said, all of these dads look the same. 4/10.

We Rate Lizards

With more than 25,000 followers, @WeRateLizards is probably the second-most popular animal rating system after WeRateDogs. At first glance, lizards don’t seem that cuddly, but look at this thing. I think @WeRate Lizards could really do some good for the reputation of the reptile, whose most popular representations in pop culture are Bill the Lizard from Alice in Wonderland, and Miss Frizzle’s pet Lizzie. 9/10

We Rate Bunnies

The bunny is a cute animal — cuter than most, some might say. Unfortunately, bunnies are not strange like reptiles or goofy like dogs, and so most of the commentary about each bunny is some variation of “this is a cute bunny!” That’s fine — it’s what I said too — but it doesn’t lend itself to a long-running Twitter account. 5/10

We Rate Puppies

@weratepuppies has only four tweets and the account bio is “Keeping you up to date if its Christmas.” N/A

Winner

After weighing all available options, I’m going with @WeRateFrogs as the champion of this whole thing. While @WeRateLizards is likely to remain more popular, @WeRateFrogs still seems more appealing to a larger audience. But maybe that’s just me rooting for the underfrog.