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Here are Facebook's marketing tips for exploiting lonely people

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Facebook Exhibits Technologies At Innovation Hub Photo by Sean Gallup/Getty Images

Facebook has some advice for brands on how to get their marketing messages to resonate with newly single people.

In a blog post today, the company expounded on ways in which single people act in the wild and on the internet, as well as ways to capitalize on their sad, sad lives:

It’s okay if you don’t want to read that whole embed. Let me sum it up for you: single people are fragile and looking for something to occupy their minds, so really, they present the perfect opportunity for marketing the shit out of some products. Single people love “experiences” so it’s wise to sell them on the idea of travel or new hobbies. Single people also need to be talked to like babies, so make it clear that you understand their pain. Seriously, just say, “I understand.” And finally, single people have a lot of newly found free time, which they’re spending by using apps on their phones. Revolutionary. I’ve learned so much.

What other wisdom does Facebook have for us? Apparently men are way more emotional about their breakups. “‘Healing,’ ‘detox,’ ‘drowning sorrows,’ ‘binge watching’ and ‘suffering’ are just some of the words and phrases that are more pronounced in men’s posts before they mark themselves ‘Single,’” the post states.

Man, guys are so melodramatic. I tend to just scream “I’m single, y’all,” right before I paint a big, red S across my sweatshirt after every break up. I don’t remove this sweatshirt until I’m back in a relationship. I never update my Facebook status, either, so good luck reaching me, marketers.