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Nintendo Switch looks like fun, until it becomes a sobbing human baby

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When will I be free of this nightmare?

The Nintendo Switch launch game 1-2-Switch will support a lot of head-scratching, “I didn’t know I wanted this until now” mini-games. One Reddit user discovered a treasure trove of mini-game videos uploaded to Nintendo’s Japanese YouTube Channel that include intuitively titled games such as “Wizard,” “Milk,” and “Shaver.”

Lurking among these quirky, bite-sized games is a true horror show. Nintendo calls it “Baby.” I call it “A transportation pod to the ninth circle of hell.” I guess my name isn’t as catchy.

Baby is sort of like that fake baby you get in high school child development classes, where you’re stuck lugging around a plastic hunk resembling a human infant, mostly. It screams like, constantly. And sometimes it makes a virtual poo. It’s basically a Tamagotchi minus the cuteness.

In Baby, the titular baby must be held and bounced or it will get upset. Do you think baby wants a nap? You are wrong. The baby wants only your undivided attention, now until the time that you cast your Nintendo Switch into the fires of freedom.

It will never grow old. It will never gain sentience or understand mercy. The baby is not yours to keep. The baby keeps you.