Please help me! Everyone in the world (pretty much) is trying to convince me that Disney is releasing Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales as the fifth feature-length film in the Pirates of the Caribbean series. In May! Of this year!
This can’t possibly be true, and I don’t know why everyone is rallying around this bizarre and ultimately pointless conspiracy. Do you just want me to go insane? Buddies, there are easier ways, such as letting me read the news.
The movie, as claimed by three trailers at this point, features what is, I assume, a CGI re-creation of a young Johnny Depp, as well as the current Johnny Depp (huh?). It also features Javier Bardem as an undead Spanish Navy commander, two young pretty people who look vaguely like Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley but aren’t, yet another plot point involving the ocean suddenly being a steep cliff instead of a flat body of water, and a flying ghost shark.
This would be my worst nightmare except I have no reason to believe this movie is real. You’re telling me the world will see not one or two or three or four but five movies based on a theme park ride populated by animatronic pirates that have mostly not been updated since 1967? You are lying, and it’s a weird media environment to do that in.
Javier Bardem is an Academy Award nominee and an Academy Award winner. He didn’t really film this movie, okay? He didn’t really put on this makeup.
Another piece of evidence proving this movie is not real and will not be available to view in theaters across the globe: this trailer appears to be a remix of the four admittedly existent Pirates of the Caribbean movies that have already portrayed, in pain-staking detail, Captain Jack Sparrow’s many boring dust-ups with the British Empire, Mother Nature, zombie men, zombie monkeys, zombie boats, and the most punishing foe of all — women who talk too much.
Also, on behalf of whoever made Ghost Shark (2013), what the hell?
The first film in the Pirates of the Caribbean series came out in 2003. The most recent installment (directed by Academy Award nominee Rob Marshall, okay sure) came out in 2011. At this point, we’ve all moved on to other dumb things — for example, the Fifty Shades franchise which is more fun and has a better soundtrack (sorry, Hans!).
Why on earth are we doing this? We’re not, and that’s the answer.
(As many of my co-workers pointed out with no regard for how it would affect my morale, it’s absolutely guaranteed that one of the protagonists in Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales will be revealed to be the child of Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom’s characters from the earlier films, and you know what that implies? More movies. If this movie makes money, Disney will probably relaunch Pirates of the Caribbean around the two new beautiful people, one of whom will have a conveniently filled-in backstory.)
(The last Pirates of the Caribbean movie made over a billion dollars.)