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Obviously no one should use this Slack bot to announce a workplace crush

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Please don’t

Slack app stock

The dating app Feeld, previously known as 3nder and commonly known as “Tinder for threesomes,” has just announced a Slack integration. Oh boy.

According to the Feeld site, the bot works like this — just open a direct message conversation with Feeld and @-mention someone you “have feelings for.” For them to find out that you did that, they’ll have to initiate a conversation with the bot and mention you. Otherwise, Feeld promises, your secret dies in Slack. It doesn’t mention how long the bot will wait for your crush to reciprocate.

Feeld includes some tips on how to keep things professional, including a brief reminder that “work is work.” In other words, please do not get so distracted by flirting that you get fired and their product gets banned from the workplace. The tips they provide are mostly fine, if vague, but here are some more specific, useful tips that I came up with to help you out:

  • Use Slack to talk about work-related matters, memes, and controversial Starbucks promotions.
  • Use Slack to say “I’m going to lunch” and “I’m back from lunch,” if anyone cares.
  • Use Slack to send a photo of your dog to a co-worker who is your friend and who asked to see a photo of your dog.
  • Use Slack to complain about the US government, people on the internet that you don’t like very much, and TV shows you think are overrated.
  • Use Slack (once in a while) to share the link to a music video and write “good song” or “omg.”
  • Use Slack’s new status feature to set your “status” as a sunglasses emoji, indicating that you’re on vacation and don’t want to talk to anyone.
  • Do not use Slack to tell a co-worker that you have a crush on them.

If you do, for some reason, accidentally tell someone you work with that you have a crush on them via Slack, you should promptly apologize for being unprofessional and also for being incredibly lame. Love is hard, but it doesn’t need to be this hard. It’s not fair or logical to say that no one should ever date a co-worker, but I think it’s fair to say this: it cannot be because a bot sent you an impersonal note in the chat service you use to do your job.

Anyway, everyone knows the only reasonable way to reveal a crush is to bottle it up until you can’t help but talk about it with everyone you know for months on end, pushing it gradually further along the winding gossip grapevine of your personal acquaintances, until after years and years of needless torment it gets back to your crush, who subsequently never speaks to you again.