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FedEx is turning your parcel tracking numbers into algorithmically generated club anthems

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You can’t stop #brands

How does one get inside the mind of a brand? As with a jellyfish or a sea slug, it’s hard to know where the brains are, and even harder to fathom its motivations. Sometimes brands seem to react to stimuli like normal organisms (see: Pepsi shrinking away from the internet’s ire earlier this week), and sometimes they just... do their own thing, dancing to the music that’s in their head regardless of whether or not anyone cares or even notices.

So it is with FedEx SoundTrack: a website that offers algorithmically generated soundtracks based on your FedEx parcel tracking number. And trust me, you can rearrange the words in that sentence any way you like, they don’t make any more sense.

You can create your own soundtrack by imagining a fake FedEx delivery. Fun!

Essentially, FedEx takes a number of attributes from your delivery (like the size of your parcel; its destination and route) and uses these to create muzak. So, the heavier your parcel is, the more frenetic the drumbeat; and if it’s traveling by plane rather than road, it gets a faster BPM, and so on and so on. The idea seems to be that when you’re tracking your parcel, what you really want — rather than assurance your delivery is on time and unharmed — is to listen to some house music that, for no reason, segues into smooth jazz the minute you swerve into Washington. All of this accompanied by a whizzy purple visualization that looks like a Patronus booking it down the interstate.

So it goes. You can punch in tracking number if you have one, or make up your own at FedEx’s website to see what the music sounds like.