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AT&T’s 5G E game is even worse than its misleadingly named network

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Sigh

AT&T was recently crowned the fastest network in the US, thanks to Ookla speed test results from Q1 2019 (even if that victory may not be quite as impressive as it sounds). Now, the company is celebrating that achievement with a literal victory lap in the form of a new browser game called AT&T Data Drive.

The game — playable at www.fastestnetworkgame.com because subtlety is dead — is an 8-bit-styled car game that seems modeled off of Spy Hunter, minus all of the actual fun parts of the original, like the weapons or gadgets. Instead, players are placed into an AT&T-branded car and tasked with completing the course as quickly as possible while dodging obstacles like potholes, water spills, and, of course, slower cars in oddly convenient red, yellow, and magenta color schemes. AT&T Data Drive is also far more simplistic than Spy Hunter, limiting players to just left and right movements, instead of the more strategic options of accelerating or braking, which make dodging cars far more difficult.

To really succeed at AT&T Data Drive, you’ll need to “drive over the 5G Evolution speed boost blue arrows,” which will give your car a temporary rocket boost forward. It’s a curious gameplay mechanic, given that 5G Evolution is just regular LTE, offering none of the truly dramatic speed boosts that real 5G networks are offering. (A more accurate gameplay mechanic would be to simply make it look like your AT&T 5G E car is going faster by adding flame stickers, while it is actually moving at basically the same speed as the Verizon and T-Mobile cars.)

When you complete the course, AT&T gives players the option to share their score on Facebook and proceed to AT&T’s website to learn more. AT&T also asks players to “Share the link with a friend to see who can complete the course in the best time,” which seems like a great thing to do if you hate your friends.