Amazon’s HQ2 isn’t coming to New York, but Jeff Bezos is! (At least, he’s investing in New York City real estate.) The Amazon CEO plonked down $80 million for a 10,000-square-foot penthouse, plus two other apartments directly below it.
The penthouse is already three floors, according to the Wall Street Journal, but should Bezos combine his acquisitions, he’ll wind up with 17,000 square feet and 12 bedrooms. Now, obviously, Jeff’s going to want a bedroom, and let’s assume probably his four kids aren’t going to share bedrooms. That is still seven leftover bedrooms.
I’m sure Bezos has hired an interior designer, but just in case I’d like to give him some inspiration on how to theme the rest of his bedrooms. I’m not sure any of these ideas could be accomplished by anyone with less than Bezos’ wealth, but Bezos at least has a shot at it.
Bedroom 1: Tayne
You know that Tim and Eric clip of Paul Rudd on a computer? Bedroom 1 (BR1) is inspired by it. The entire room is painted blue, with a white walkway to a bed. The headboard of the bed is three screens; a nearby Echo is listening for the keywords. “Computer, load up celery man, please,” and “now Tayne, I can get into.” Saying the catch phrases will give you a dancing Paul Rudd on your monitors.
Bedroom 2: Vantablack
The entire room is painted with Vantablack, the paint that is designed to be one of the darkest known substances. This is a great guest room for people you hate, because the bed is also black and so are the sheets and the bedside tables have all been painted with Vantablack and basically anyone staying in BR2 will have to blunder around whacking their shins on things... because the paint is just too dark.
Bedroom 3: Drones
Two twin beds, but drones. Bedside tables? Also drones. This makes it easy for anyone to rearrange the furniture whenever they want, without having to locate a second person to help them move the bed. The twin beds can be bunk beds, with a bedside table hovering next to the top one! Or they can be side-by-side. Or, of course, for maximum floor space, you can loft them both!
Bedroom 4: Hackers
This one’s extremely conceptual; you are not allowed to enter the room unless you are wearing rollerblades. There are screens instead of walls and they display the Da Vinci virus iconography unless you can hack the Gibson. The room’s sound system is limited to Darude’s “Sandstorm,” Orbital’s “Halcyon and On and On,” and the Orb’s “Little Fluffy Clouds.” But you’re a hacker — if you want to listen to something else, you can always reprogram it.
Bedroom 5: ISS
Because this room cannot simulate gravity removal, you’re going to have to get wired up like Keanu Reeves in The Matrix. Then, dangling from the ceiling, you’ll live in a simulation of the International Space Station. While you won’t be able to float a trail of water to your mouth like a real astronaut, you also won’t be pushed backwards by the force of one of your own burps. This bedroom has all the things you’d need to live exclusively in it for months at a time — plants to clean the air and grow food, a first aid kit, space toilets, Matt Damon.
Bedroom 6: The Library
An homage to Amazon’s roots. The library is filled — unlike the rest of the apartment, which is a Kindle-only space — with books. You’ll have to climb a ladder up to the top of the bookshelves, where the bed is located. (You can also slide back and forth on the latter like Belle in Beauty and the Beast if you are so moved.)
Bedroom 7: Jeff Bezos
This is it, the showstopper! The finale. In a bedroom inspired by a working robotics lab, you’ll be greeted by a robot with Jeff Bezos’ face. This is, in fact, the room’s butler. He’s still in beta and not ready for prime time yet, but he’ll nonetheless lay out your clothes for you, help you do your hair and makeup, and advise you on your schedule for the day. Staying in this room will of course require a waiver — you’ll have to acknowledge that your time with a Jeff Bezos robot butler is at your own risk.