Dear Democrats,

Look, I know being a politician means you mostly don’t live online (with the possible exception of Andrew Yang and #Yanggang). I just wanted to let you know: I have a Google.

Also, if Google search for some reason should fail, there’s Bing. There’s DuckDuckGo. If I am remotely interested in you, I’ve learned how to spell your name — though the truth is, I probably don’t even need to do that correctly because these search engines are good enough that they can guess what I am doing.

So: You really do not need to say “WEBSITE DOT COM” in your statements. Just send us to your website! I mean, points to Kamala Harris for originality (she’s got a dot org) but seriously, I am perfectly capable of a Google search for you if I want to find you. Tulsi Gabbard, I recognize you have problems with this, and if I ever need to know anything about you I solemnly pledge to use Ahmia and the dark web so as not to give Google any advertising revenue.

I realize this sounds petty but you’re going to need to get a little more “hip” to the “lingo” of the “kids” if you are going to seriously get anyone to believe you understand tech policy, which is one of the great challenges facing politicians today. The only reason anyone listens to Josh Hawley is that he sounds marginally less dumb than a lot of other folks. This is a low bar and you can step over it.

Love,

Liz

PS: Joe Biden, this is not American fucking Idol. Keep your text codes to yourself.