Pokémon Sword is adding an exclusive evolution to the series’s original duck, Farfetch’d. Sirfetch’d, a fighting type, gallantly wields a leek lance and shield combo. I haven’t adored a knight so dearly since the last time I saw Sir Ian McKellen in a halfway decent X-Men movie, but The Pokémon Company really outdid itself.

Farfetch’d evolves into Sirfetch’d “after experiencing many battles” (like... most... pokémon?), and the genteel duck uses its beloved leek as a lance. Sirfetch’d is a noble creature that makes a “point of always battling fairly.” I want it to step on my neck. It is too honorable to do so.

Like every plant-loving man I’ve met in Brooklyn, Sirfetch’d is extremely into its leek. “It maintains this leek over the span of many years and treasures it more than anything.” Unlike every plant-loving man I’ve met in Brooklyn, Sirfetch’d knows when to quit. “When its leek finally withers, Sirfetch’d will leave the battlefield and retire from battling entirely.”

The leaves act as its shield. I have concerns. But The Pokémon Company calls them “thick,” just as Sirfetch’d — weighing in at 257.9 pounds at a mere 2-foot, 7-inch height — is thicc. I have never seen a more beautiful, smug unibrow than my own before I learned what threading is. Its eyes sparkle like the anime waifu I wish to be. A more perfect creature has never existed.

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