The great scrollback of Alexandria %>

This is a preservation effort, attempting to capture the funniest, weirdest, and most memorable posts before Twitter completely burns down.

Buttons break, functions disappear, power users flee, site errors abound: Twitter fell apart faster than even the pessimists anticipated. By the time we arrived on the scene, the damage was already irreversible: many of the tweets that made Twitter so iconic were already deleted, removed, or made private. It happened so quickly, we could barely comprehend what it was that we actually lost. 

Not all of this information decay is the result of the Twitter acquisition. The famous Zola thread only exists in screenshots; the same goes for all-time great “four eels.” As more and more users delete their accounts — for whatever reason — these microliterary classics vanish, too.

Here, we have done our best to preserve the tweets we believed were worth saving: the entertaining, the informative, the ridiculous, the disturbed.

Collection Notes

This exhibit of great and notable tweets was curated by Verge staffers and a few friends, collected from September through October 2023. Even by that point, many historically great posts were already gone, either because users had deleted their old tweets or their accounts entirely.

In a few special cases, we manually reconstructed some tweets that had been deleted. We excluded tweets from accounts set to private. Legal advised us to not pull avatars for copyright reasons, even though we really wanted to.

For tweets with images, we opted not to add new alt text for embeds that did not already have it. We wanted to maintain the original tweet as much as possible but recognize the accessibility cost.

If a tweet of yours is included here and you would like it removed from the archive, you can contact twitterarchive@theverge.com.

Categories

HYSTERICAL - Good jokes, many of which went extremely viral

DUNKS - A tweet, usually pretty funny, at someone else’s expense

WEIRD - A special brand of Twitter humor that lived and died with the platform

BAD - Incredibly dumb, self-righteous, or ass-revealing tweets

EARNEST - Wholesome posts (a category mostly for pets)

FAMOUS - Celebrities saying something a little too honest or a little too strange

Contributors

Abigail Schooner, Andy Baio, Andy Hawkins, Barbara Krasnoff, Becca Laurie, Brendan Klinkenberg, Charlotte Shane, Danny Lavery, Eve Peyser, Jess Weatherbed, Kaitlin Hatton, Kaleb Horton, Kate Cox, Kevin Nguyen, Liz Lopatto, Marie Bertonneau, Mia Sato, Mike Isaac, Nathan Edwards, Potch, Rusty Foster, Sarah Jeong, Sarah Smithers, Tristan Cooper, Victoria Song

The Great Scrollback of Alexandria
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julia fox is literally mother @sophiepenrose

(about to invent gargoyles) babe the cathedral looks great. how can we get a little fucking freak on the roof.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Patricia Lockwood @TriciaLockwood

I will fuck chewbacca and I will die that way

weirdCategory: weird
Heroic Girls @SDCC 2023 - #MoreThanCute @HeroicGirls

Seeing Zooey Deschanel without bangs or glasses made me accept that maybe people couldn't figure out that Clark Kent was Superman.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
CNN @CNN

Archaeologists working at the ancient Roman city of Pompeii, Italy, uncovered the remains of a 30-year-old man who appears to have survived the initial eruption of Vesuvius in 79 A.D., only to be killed when he was struck by a large slab of stone cnn.it/2GZKWvX

famousCategory: famous
Sanofi US @SanofiUS

People of all races, religions and nationalities work at Sanofi every day to improve the lives of people around the world. While all pharmaceutical treatments have side effects, racism is not a known side effect of any Sanofi medication.

badCategory: bad
gary from teen mom @garyfromteenmom

when ur boss makes a normie joke but u want that promotion

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Grace Parra Janney @GraceParra360

Aged like fine wine

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Edcrab @Edcrab_

you, foolish: I'm feeling optimistic and hopeful for the future
me, wise:

hystericalCategory: hysterical
@SplAdamSage

A horse named "Bofa Deez Nuts" wins at Oklahoma City Race Park, impossibly professional announcer is NOT fazed and executes it completely deadpan.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Cardi B @iamcardib

Cause i be watching ASMR and porn all day ‍♀️

@fenty_bardi fan account

Why is Cardi’s phone battery always under 20%?! @iamcardib

famousCategory: famous
Desus MF Nice @desusnice

Airports are cool bc you can have like a mental breakdown while drinking a Bloody Mary at 7am then go sleep on the floor like a hobo and no one says anything

weirdCategory: weird
Megan Amram @meganamram

mr. gorbachev, tear up this ass

weirdCategory: weird
Jon @ArfMeasures

GOD: 8
ANGEL: 9!
GOD: We shouldn't do this drunk
ANGEL: 10 lol
GOD: 15!!
ANGEL *mouthful of pizza* 25
GOD: 30!!
CENTIPEDE: *tearing up* stop giving me legs, I look stupid
GOD: ONE HUNDRED LOL
ANGEL: LMAO

hystericalCategory: hysterical
caitie delaney @caitiedelaney

“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Wesley Snipes @wesleysnipes

For everyone that sends me this photo 300 times a day ... I SEENT IT!!! I SEENT IT! I SEENT IT!

famousCategory: famous
Stu @RandBallsStu

Paragraph 1: ok
Paragraph 2: ok
Paragraph 3: wait
Paragraph 4: OH
Paragraph 5: *airplane flies overhead with a banner reading WELCOME TO HELL MOM*

hystericalCategory: hysterical
sk_baby.max @Darnn

chillin' out, maxin', relaxin' all cool
i was shooting some b-ball outside of the school
when a couple of roads that were up to no good
started to diverge in a yellow wood

hystericalCategory: hysterical
dubstep4dads @dubstep4dads

if ur friend falls asleep a fun prank is to put his hand in a bucket of warm monster energy so he has dreams about riding dirtbikes and fighting his stepdad

hystericalCategory: hysterical
laanat del rey @badkuthi69

the arcade fire show is packed

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Murphy Green OBE @no1border

So grandad was at a sportsman’s dinner and bought a 10ft X 4ft picture of the forth rail bridge. Seemingly he forgot he could just open da blinds granny not happy with him ‍♂️

hystericalCategory: hysterical
m. diane @cULTMOTHER

told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, "AGAIN??"

it's like, you know what, you're right, I'm cancelling my subscription.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
L Ron Mexico @LRonMexico

Pitbull insinuating he died of alcohol poisoning from his own vodka brand and came back as a beach dog is exactly what I needed to get through this day

@pitbull Pitbull

Reincarnated through @voli305vodka with my own vodka and my own beach. Que rico! Reincarnate yourself, Dale!

hystericalCategory: hysterical
amblans bug @youngcogan

i think im having a stroke

weirdCategory: weird
jake @jakecurrie

so they just have a fuckload of spiders

hystericalCategory: hysterical
gendo pissed on the moon @evaposting
weirdCategory: weird
Kim Kardashian @KimKardashian

I had a very good convo with @jack this weekend at Kanye’s bday and I think he really heard me out on the edit button.

famousCategory: famous
Cheish @TheCheish

Mother: can you please fix my computer

Me: *leans back in chair* well... well ... well ... if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006

hystericalCategory: hysterical
ally ‍ ️‍ @notacroc

Waiter: and for you?

Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas

weirdCategory: weird
G. L. @gldivittorio

My therapist asked me to identify some habitual coping mechanisms I use during depressive episodes and I had to look this woman in the eye and tell her that when I get really sad my first instinct is to make fun of Elon Musk

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Joanna knew sumn… @garbii93

Jesus: h-
Pontius Pilate:

@yunghermoso Beau Degás

why would u come @ me crazy w 12 followers

weirdCategory: weird
Depressed Cowboys Fan @ChickenColeman

this fine ass lady was standing behind me at the atm so i took out $400 instead of $20 so tomorrow i’m putting $380 back when my bank open. smh

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Jesse Hawken @jessehawken

2016: "Come on, you're talking like Trump's going to put people in concentration camps"

2018: "First of all, I think it's offensive that you refer to them as 'concentration camps'"

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Courtney Enlow @courtenlow

It's no longer "It's 5 o'clock somewhere" it's now "it's 2018 everywhere" start drinking whatever time you want.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Aparna Nancherla @aparnapkin

The Statue of Liberty should replace her torch with a gaslight until further notice

weirdCategory: weird
the wicked witch of the east bro @kpfeffss

I took an uber alone at 2am and when I got out my uber driver was like “have fun, get that dick!” and I said “hell yes thank you!!” because I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was being dropped at my moms house cause we have to wake up early to celebrate my dogs birthday

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Grant Brisbee @GrantBrisbee

ME, AGE 20: Ha ha, I like the riffs, but these Rage Against the Machine lyrics are kind of corny.

ME, AGE 40 (at a cocktail party): You know, some of those who work forces are actually, no joke, the same who burn crosses.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
shaddai @riplimewire

dreamt I went on twitter and saw a random person post a picture of me with the caption “God just be making anybody ” and it had 200k likes

weirdCategory: weird
Abbie @AbbieEvansXO

Date: I love car chase action scenes

Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we're done here

weirdCategory: weird
Seo @Kaneryyy

2009: "As Twitter grows, it will increasingly become a place where companies build brands, do research, send information to customers, conduct e-commerce and create communities for their users." - Time

2018:

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Karen Kilgariff @KarenKilgariff

once at a party I was stuck in a boring group conversation then I remembered I had a banana in my purse so I pulled it out answered it like a phone and said “Sorry guys I have to take this” and walked away we are the masters of our own fate

weirdCategory: weird
lyft driver playing throat baby full volume @guaph

sadly it's not. they really do call the hospital for white people the mayo clinic

@PrisonPlanet Paul Joseph Watson

I really truly hope this is just a horrible joke. Sick sick stuff.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Milena Sanchez @Milenasanchezx

I just took a picture of my 3 year old and she said

“Send it to me”

To Where?

hystericalCategory: hysterical
wes haney @westonhaney

Her: Honey, do you think I’m a good cook?

Me: Is CHEP a Brambles company?

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Daniel José Older @djolder

Why do dogs feel the need to look you in the eye while they drop a deuce like what kinda serial killer shit is that

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Sophia Benoit @1followernodad

Sorry the guy you’re sleeping with won’t call himself your boyfriend but will call himself a content creator

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Abam @AdamBroud

[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it's perfect

weirdCategory: weird
claire @claire_clara_

Wondered why the car blowers didn't seem very effective then realised half of them were set to 'email' instead of 'bacon'.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
day @dayonnethedon

Listen to how @stephenasmith pronounces the word “memes”

famousCategory: famous
Megan Amram @meganamram

i love having a body because it's like one of those play doh extruders where you put salad in and get free hair out

weirdCategory: weird
Alison @JustAboutGlad

Say this in bed if you really want to drive him WILD: "I listened to your podcast"

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Warren Ellis’ Desktop @modernxmike

I didn’t realize until today that “Weird” Al was a parody of normal (“Norm” Al). I’m 31 years old.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Michael Shindler @MichaelShindler

You: *owns the libs*
Me, a MILLENNIAL: *rents the libs*

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Shakira @jodecicry

Jenny Holzer just a feminist Dril there I said it

hystericalCategory: hysterical
@bigjalenciaga

My future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriend’s lame ass jokes rn. Be patient King, a true clown is on the way.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Kyle @KylePlantEmoji

FRIEND: my gf has got legs for days

ME: [astonished whisper] night mermaid

weirdCategory: weird
Winderly Landchime Stan Account @RedDlicious

The dick vein on a Snickers really makes it

hystericalCategory: hysterical
ClickHole @ClickHole

Hardcore Gamers Only: ‘Overwatch’ Is Increasing Its Difficulty By Adding A Senior-Citizen Character That’s A Financial Drain And Emotional Burden On Their Whole Team clckhl.co/FO7Vuqs

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Piers Morgan @piersmorgan

FUCK.

famousCategory: famous
sloane (sîpihkopiyesîs) @cottoncandaddy

white ppl will feel unsafe walking by a black man on the sidewalk but will literally try to talk to the devil through a ouija board

hystericalCategory: hysterical
paul ryan @pissedsocialist
badCategory: bad
baka @ryanfuckett

gn

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Erica Henderson @EricaFails

WHO USED THE MONKEY PAW TO ASK FOR A PAIR OF WOMEN'S PANTS WITH POCKETS

@absrdst absrdst

They're here.. . suɐǝſ

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Great PawPaw Dee @_Monta_

If I shoot my shot and you tell me you have a man...Imma tell my homegirl to get in his inbox to see if he feels the same way

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Jules Suzdaltsev @jules_su

lmao I am absolutely dying over the fact that now that Sacha Baron Cohen can’t prank anyone with a normal brain who has watched TV in the last twenty years, he’s moved onto pranking famous Republicans, with incredible success

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Dungeons And Donalds @DungeonsDonald

#TrumpBabyBlimp #dnd

hystericalCategory: hysterical
John Legend @johnlegend

The president wakes up every morning, gets dressed, looks in the mirror at his scrotum-level tie length and says, "Perfect!" That will never not bother me

famousCategory: famous
demi adejuyigbe @electrolemon

it is embarrassing as fuck that russia's disinformation campaign against america is bolstered by someone who uses the name "guccifer." as in a portmanteau of "gucci" and "lucifer." this is like if jfk was assassinated by someone named "xX_bong_jamez_bong_Xx"

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Al Shipley @alshipley

i was trying to remember what the site 'dropbox' was called this morning and all i could come up with for about 5 minutes was 'da share zone'

hystericalCategory: hysterical
christoph @Halalcoholism

| ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄|
RABBITS DONT HAVE
OPPOSABLE THUMBS.
I DONT CARE IF THIS
MEME IS CUTE, IT RESTS
ON AN INHERENTLY
FLAWED PREMISE.
|____________|
(\__/) ||
(•ㅅ•) ||
/   づ

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Post Malone @PostMalone

is meatball an fruit

famousCategory: famous
Wanda Maximoff @scarletwitchwc1

My 13 yro daughter just asked

What if "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" & "It's Raining Men" are about the same event, but from different perspectives?

badCategory: bad
wint @dril

you know what wo uld be fun, would be if twitter hq just dumped a truck full of wet turds on my front lawn every day "In case I missed it"

hystericalCategory: hysterical
jen merritt!!! @jennifermerr

boys that follow me on twitter and then hook up with me despite knowing damn well that I’m gonna tweet about them are easily braver than the troops

weirdCategory: weird
matty @poastsbymatt

*using Ouija board*

"hello, is there anyone there"

*Y*

*O*

*U*

*U*

*U*

*U*

"ah damnit this is a Soulja board*

hystericalCategory: hysterical
drewtoothpaste.bsky.social @drewtoothpaste

regular person: I need more damn money. This shit sucks
internet commenter: Be frugal. Cook a large pot of beans and eat that for an entire week.
rich person: I agree with the wise commenter. Also go to the doctor less please

hystericalCategory: hysterical
non aesthetic things @PicturesFoIder
weirdCategory: weird
Nitsuh Abebe @ntabebe

a great many cultural misreadings of Grimes appear to stem from the presumption that she is “goth.” wise old sages such as i can assure you that it all makes more sense when you grasp that she is INDUSTRIAL, which is totally different

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Kristen Arnett @Kristen_Arnett

*tips hat at duck* mallardy

hystericalCategory: hysterical
@itstae13

Stop getting rid of your pets because they aren’t what you expected Clifford was literally the smallest puppy and turned out to be a 30 FOOT RED DOG AND EMILY ELIZABETH STILL MADE IT WORK

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Soulja Boy (Draco) @souljaboy

Crank That Soulja Boy

@RudyGiuliani Rudy W. Giuliani

You

famousCategory: famous
Gretchen Felker-Martin @scumbelievable

my chupacabra don't
my chupacabra don't
my chupacabra don't want none unless you got goats, hon

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Crowsa Luxemburg @quendergeer

Will i understand the DSM-V if I haven't seen the first four

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Alyssa Limperis @alyssalimp

me making sure the barista sees me put money in the tip jar

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Lil G-Pug @gogglepossum

Sad to see the remaining members for daft punk hunted for sport

hystericalCategory: hysterical
@doraemoe@mastodon.tuidao.me くコ:彡 @iDoraemoe

猫 发现负鼠在吃自己的食物

hystericalCategory: hysterical
worms cited @christapeterso

A butthole dr my sister interned for thinks anal fissures are getting more common bc because people are texting and stuff on the toilet and so trying too hard is tearing their butts. If you are suffering from posters' butthole go to the doctor but also stop tweeting on the pot

hystericalCategory: hysterical
low arctic @LowArctic

Queer Eye but it’s five Native elders trying to convince a New Age hippie spiritualist that their practice is entirely fake

hystericalCategory: hysterical
cretin @yucktales

the two genders

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Aparna Nancherla @aparnapkin

I wonder if spiders stop halfway through a web like "ugh will i ever be inspired again i'm a hack"

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Dr. Ausma Zehanat Khan @ausmazehanat

Guys, this is my brother's barbecue pit.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Dan Sheehan @ItsDanSheehan

Gen Xer: I miss Crystal Pepsi, the silly clear soda

Millennial: I miss Four Loko, the drink made of devil's blood that almost killed my friend Brad

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Cody · Mushroom.Haus @mushroomhaus

Can't drink the sarcophagus juice, can't eat the tomb cheese, what even is the point of archaeology

@abcnews ABC News

World's oldest cheese found in Egyptian tomb — but it may be filled with a deadly disease ab.co/2vRG3lH

weirdCategory: weird
Law Boy @The_Law_Boy

[Plato returns from the dead]

Plato: so who's that girl, are you together?
Me: nah, it's purely platonic.
Plato: ...what does platonic mean?
Me: it means we don't have sex.
Plato: what the fuck

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Ashley Feinberg (ashleyfeinberg.bsky.social) @ashleyfeinberg

CAN WE GET THE SPECIAL COUNSEL TO FIGURE OUT WHY LENA DUNHAM’S PETS KEEP DYING AND WHO KEEPS GIVING HER MORE PETS

weirdCategory: weird
jaboukie @jaboukie

sister mary jo let me argue “i wish i was aborted so i could’ve gone straight to heaven” in a theology class debate without giving me a detention and shes had my undying respect since

@NBCSChicago NBC Sports Chicago

Loyola has Sister Jean, but the White Sox have Sister Mary Jo Sobieck of @Marian_Catholic! The Sox might have a little help from the man upstairs today!

weirdCategory: weird
anildash.com @anildash

RT @ellle_em: when I find myself in times of trouble
brother Mario comes to me
speaking words of wisdom "it's a me"

weirdCategory: weird
emptywheel @emptywheel

Wow. Scott Pruitt's outgoing calls are almost as expensive as Donald Trump's extramarital sex.

@drogon_dracarys Drogon

Former EPA administrator Scott Pruitt used the installed $43,000 phone booth for only one outgoing call to the WH that lasted 5 minutes. New docs do not show how many incoming calls Pruitt received in the booth.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
wristy minaj @father

enough twitter, about to go get deadbeat dad wasted

weirdCategory: weird
Blake Griffin @blakegriffin23

Accidentally hit a squirrel yesterday in my car. Feel so guilty I could barely sleep. Casey Anthony is a monster.

famousCategory: famous
Martyn Reding @martynreding

When the design team loses a debate with the legal team.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
han @hannahhhhxoxo

i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him

hystericalCategory: hysterical
john is toast @johnistoasted

This truck just tried to sell me weed

hystericalCategory: hysterical
dan @radvillainy
hystericalCategory: hysterical
han @hannahhhhxoxo

update for yall who didnt think he believed me

hystericalCategory: hysterical
skip intro @chuchugoogoo

when you do your homework and nail the interview

hystericalCategory: hysterical
slate @PleaseBeGneiss

[restaurant]

RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg

WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?

RACCOON: t-two eggs?

WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs

RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!

WAITER: *eyes narrow*

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Octopus/Caveman @OctopusCaveman

My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.

badCategory: bad
mia @flatpepsimax

"i will face god and walk backwards into hell" is a dril quote that people keep mistaking for serious literature but "that's how it is on this bitch of an earth" is a fucking beckett line that i consistently keep thinking is dril

weirdCategory: weird
❰ ẋ ❱ @ProjectENDO

I have one minute of free time a day and this is how I choose to spend it

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Sarah Osment @sm_osment

today i asked my class to come up with a pair of terms that share a denotative meaning but whose connotative meanings differ and one student offered BUTT DIAL and BOOTY CALL anyway that student's the professor now

hystericalCategory: hysterical
shen the bird @Shen_the_Bird

[clumsily rollerblades in] alright this is a robbery

weirdCategory: weird
LeNarskus Aldridge @AdamL1226

White people love saying “oh that was terrible” after throwing a frisbee

hystericalCategory: hysterical
For Sale Clown Shoes Never Worn @jerrykuch

Words fail.

badCategory: bad
Josh @LoserCrew

I fucking love toast, what absolute genius took a bite of bread and was like "cook it again", unreal

hystericalCategory: hysterical
sceri @erikiri_

yall ever think about how your fingers are slowly 3D printing your nails

hystericalCategory: hysterical
lucy,, @curledbitch

THIS SHIT MAKES ME LAUGH SO FUCKING MUCH

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Stephanie McNeal @stephemcneal

Today in mommy blogger instagram: Katie Bower says she didnt realize people were in the buildings and died until a year(!!!!!) after 9/11???

famousCategory: famous
Travon @Travon

I hope they cast a black Superman. It would nice for a brotha to finally be faster than a speeding bullet.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
v @sogodly_

So you tryna tell me Noah took too 2 bed bug, 2 mosquitos and 2 roaches and threw them in the Ark

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Mike T @rhymeswithbeg

Me: what’s the wifi password

My mom:

@ladygaga Lady Gaga

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHRHRGRGRGRRRGURBHJB EORWPSOJWPJORGWOIRGWSGODEWPGOHEPW09GJEDPOKSD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!0924QU8T63095JRGHWPE09UJ0PWHRGW

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Sara Valentine @saramvalentine

Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document

hystericalCategory: hysterical
demi adejuyigbe @electrolemon
weirdCategory: weird
jaboukie @jaboukie

remember when you would go to mcdonalds and fill your cup with every flavor and that shit used to bang... someone thousands of years ago did that with spices and made curry... ugh their fucking mind, i stan

weirdCategory: weird
jonny sun @jonnysun

when the kool aid man says “oh yeah!”, why does the kool aid not spill out his mouth? does that mean the kool aid is not actually inside him, but contained exterior of his glass body? does that make his insides solid glass? does he hold kool aid bc he longs to drink but never can

hystericalCategory: hysterical
GlitterDemon ️‍ @anoticingsenpa1

I poured root beer into a square glass to make beer

hystericalCategory: hysterical
du bois @ DM limit @_lildubois

well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences of my own actions

hystericalCategory: hysterical
online moose @tiemoose

[Dracula giving his son "the talk"]

Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Dracula's son: they do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash

weirdCategory: weird
David Roth @david_j_roth

DAVID LETTERMAN: /rapping stack of notecards on his desk The Curvy Wife Guy. Paul, you know about the Curvy Wife Guy?
PAUL SHAFFER: Ha ha ha
LETTERMAN: The Curvy Wife Guy
/Band plays four bars of Commodores' "Brick House"

weirdCategory: weird
Claire Coleman ✍ @featuresjourno

And this, despite the trolls, is why I love Twitter

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Sophia @ihp0s

my mom put turkey, chicken, and ham out to test my dog and see what he would eat. he ate everything but the ham. i’ve never been more proud.

earnestCategory: earnest
Guy Lodge @GuyLodge

RECALL ME BY YOUR NAME, guys, this is pathetically easy.

@IndieWire IndieWire

Luca Guadagnino wants Dakota Johnson to play Armie Hammer's wife in the #CallMeByYourName sequel, but he's struggling with a name: “The only problem is the title. It cannot be ‘Call Me by Your Name Two.’” bit.ly/2PjjJct

famousCategory: famous
#1 samir @samir

horse: is ur name liam

liam neeson: yea?

horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie

liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Megan Amram @meganamram

It's annoying that world is going to end RIGHT as I've become hot

hystericalCategory: hysterical
vampire workday @imbobswaget

it’s my house crest

hystericalCategory: hysterical
NOT A WOLF @SICKOFWOLVES

IF YOU DO ENOUGH UNPAID OVERTIME YOU GET A TOMBSTONE THAT SAYS GREAT TEAM MEMBER

hystericalCategory: hysterical
logan @piloht

cells be like

o

fuck it
mitosis time

o
0
8
oo

weirdCategory: weird
Belly Rowland @OJTheKing

Ain’t nothing like taking a shower with that peppermint Dr. Bronners and laying on sheets fresh out of the dryer. I be feeling like a big ass mint out my granny purse

weirdCategory: weird
yc @yc

Venmo timeline is only good when it shows you that your ex‘s new partner is cheap

hystericalCategory: hysterical
horse powder @JuliusIrvington

cigarettes have almost no calories and are low in sodium. no one is talking about this

weirdCategory: weird
! @RYLANDDUNCAN

I wish Gritty wasn't to do with hockey, cities should just have monsters in them

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump

When referring to the USA, I will always capitalize the word Country!

famousCategory: famous
Kristen Arnett @Kristen_Arnett

ooooh baby do you know what that’s worth
on halloween we toast the antichrists birth

hystericalCategory: hysterical
The Texas Chain Saw Bransacre @bransonreese

I’ve to piss

weirdCategory: weird
dustin Couch @Dustinkcouch

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early

astronaut: moon's haunted

nasa employee: what?

astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon's haunted

weirdCategory: weird
phil @PhilJamesson

peach (crying): i don't need you to be Super Mario. i just need you to be there for me. i just need you to be you

mario: wahoo

weirdCategory: weird
Grimes @Grimezsz

Canada shud be absorbed by the usa
Then we’d be bigger than Russia

famousCategory: famous
whit @unfuxwhitable

how did ONE hour make it go from dark at 9pm to dark at 6pm……somebody lying

weirdCategory: weird
jaboukie @jaboukie

there’s so many blue check why aight people tweeting “remember politics don’t actually change your life. there’s still sunday football, potpourri, mild salsa, and your beautiful son & daughter breighaedyn & kaehayeighœtelinen” rn

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Rajiv Karia @RajivAKaria

I’ve honestly read this 15 times

hystericalCategory: hysterical
rachel yara @bugposting

cool that ariana grande forgives her exes. also cool that every day I relish in the memory of mine calling, furious, asking why i let him believe björk was pronounced “bork” for 2 years and that he just embarrassed himself at a party

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Jason Shapiro @JDShapiro

The saddest part of medieval times is the horses think it’s all real

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Hannah Solow @hamstertalk

Someone posted this to our neighborhood message board and I will never recover.

weirdCategory: weird
wint @dril

in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i "Dont know" what pringles are constitutes Heroism

weirdCategory: weird
dj franzia @hawillisdc

once a year i think about how in highschool a girl made her instagram caption the juicy j lyric: "she eat your heart out like jeffrey dahmer" and a girl commented: "my uncle was murdered by dahmer…please delete this."

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Bouncing Betty @ivyanthony95

Getting 4 hours of sleep vs. 8 hours

hystericalCategory: hysterical
traitor joe @phoebe_bridgers

welcome to the black parade is the bohemian rhapsody of my generation

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Daniel Pryor @DanielPryorr

OH MY GOD

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Craig Bro Dude @CraigSJ

Everyone wished he'd mackle a little less, and he listened. That's crazy.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Chris Scott @iamchrisscott

Tonight at the start of yoga a woman let the instructor know she was pregnant to which the instructor inexplicably replied “We’re all pregnant” and then another woman said “No we’re not” and then we began.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
ringworm @prawn_meat

donkey kong being a villain in industrial settings and a hero in jungle settings is a perfect illustration of what the unabomber was talking about

weirdCategory: weird
Jake Almond @jakealmond

Every day on Twitter...

hystericalCategory: hysterical
sky @iamspacegirl

God *giggling*: They are gonna be so tiny.

Angel *writing*: ants... tiny... got it.

God *suddenly tearing up*: but omg so strong.

weirdCategory: weird
keo @yungmimosas

gas lowkey be smellin good i wish i was honda crv

weirdCategory: weird
lyn @MAMETCHl

im crying my ass off at this species of goat (gulabi) that is so beautiful and cute as a baby and then the adult is like

earnestCategory: earnest
Joey⚡️ @joeygllghr

Regular back:
-will hurt eventually
-boring
-stupid bones

Backstreet's back:
-alright

weirdCategory: weird
sarah kelly @thesarahkelly

Anything I do not want to do is emotional labor. Anything I do want to do is self care. I will not be expanding on this rn.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
whalefact @awhalefact

whales don’t need no man

weirdCategory: weird
andrew @andrewnolan2

One of my blinds broke in my bedroom so I just went to CVS

hystericalCategory: hysterical
brent @murrman5

wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed

hystericalCategory: hysterical
sadiq @SadiqoJN

Why do bash “dead-beat” dads for not being there for their kids but we never question if the child has bad vibes? Or if they’re just unpleasant to be around?

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez @AOC

I’m not sure, but maybe we can look into establishing GrinchCon - a tea + coffee crawl where people can spread peace and quiet everywhere they go

@liamstack Liam Stack

@Ocasio2018 can you pass a law stopping santacon?

famousCategory: famous
meg cramer @Meg_Cramer

what

weirdCategory: weird
Todd 'Papi' Carlos @TheToddWilliams

HER: I think we should break up

ME: But...why?

HER: I don't know if it's your terrible puns or the fact that you don't "believe" in the color blue

ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction

HER: Or both

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Mister Rogers Trolley Problem @woodmuffin

No Looney Tunes character stands the test of time better than Wile E. Coyote: a self-defeating dipshit who can't stop ordering packages from a shitty, indifferent corporation

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Ꮍᴀᴇʟ @elle91

[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I'm a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you'd be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu

weirdCategory: weird
Ross Douthat @DouthatNYT

This is your reminder that "Fight Club" is still the most important political movie about the post-Cold War world.

badCategory: bad
fecko stinko @gothbabys

“are you subtweeting me?”
“i do subtweet sir”
“are you subtweeting me sir?”
(to mutual) “is the timeline discourse on my side if i say aye?”
“nay”
“no sir i do not subtweet at you but i subtweet sir!”

weirdCategory: weird
shanley @shanley

@tictacbergerac you got a fucking google you dumb bitch

badCategory: bad
Cates Holderness @catesish

i know the internet has fundamentally broken me cause i just laughed about this for a solid 45 seconds

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Regular Frog @FrogCroakley

♬ He's boiling an egg ♬
♬ He's boiling it twice ♬
♬ He's boiled it again ♬
♬ He's losing his mind ♬
♬ Santa Claus is repeatedly boiling an egg ♬

weirdCategory: weird
Christopher Ingraham @_cingraham

[at the USDA]

me: [chanting] hogs, hogs-

Iowa farmers: hogs, HOGS

USDA-NASS: [pounding keyboard] HOGS, HOGS, HOGS!

@usda_nass National Agricultural Statistics Service

#Iowa record high December #hog inventory, up 2% from previous year. #AgStats

weirdCategory: weird
Megan Amram @meganamram

"WELL ACTUALLY": a sequel to "LOVE ACTUALLY" about why it's problematic

hystericalCategory: hysterical
(go to the elephant site) @hoverbird

The Bailey’s Irish Cream origin story is just straight up a @dril tweet

hystericalCategory: hysterical
J.K. Rowling @jk_rowling

And lo, unto her did appear a host of Corbyn defenders, who did descend upon her mentions, and she was not sore afraid, because she was used to it. And the host did sing with one voice, ‘ungodly woman, thou foolest us not. We know the true reason thou despisest Saint Jeremy.’ 1

famousCategory: famous
Rodger Sherman @rodger

no one blocks like

hystericalCategory: hysterical
shen the bird @Shen_the_Bird

elf: [squinting at christmas list] how the fuck do you make a juul

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Pedro @ped_red

Doc martens just emo timbs

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Trevor Moore @TrevorLess

Need to “just take a quick break” from your family this holiday season? Just sit on the toilet for 7-10 minutes looking at this app and become insane by reading people’s dumb ass thoughts

hystericalCategory: hysterical
X @XLNB

I just opened up my bag of Ghost Pepper Potato Chips from Trader Joe’s and there’s a whole ass potato in the bag. I’m not kidding. An entire potato. I can’t even take the bag back cuz who the hell is gonna believe a full potato was in it. They’re just gonna say I put it in there.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
fela koochie @yungeateat

A BOY NIECE

@cIownshit mika moved accs

my niece/nauce(forgot what the word for boy niece is) looks like a chihuahua lmao

weirdCategory: weird
⚓️ @elhosiny_ahmed

asked siri what one trillion to the 10th power was

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Ryan @Rycaster

I can’t recall if it was Tumblr or Reddit, but I’ll never forget the story I read where this girl went over to a guy’s apartment for pizza, and when it was done cooking he went “I hate this part” and grabbed the pizza with his exposed hands, screaming in pain as he retrieved it.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
maple cocaine @maplecocaine

Each day on twitter there is one main character. The goal is to never be it

hystericalCategory: hysterical
sarah schauer @sarahschauer

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it's raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

weirdCategory: weird
Emma @plowrong

Driving lessons are so weird like you climb into a metal box with a divorced man and he teaches you not to kill anyone

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Cher @cher

I Need To Shoot My Phone

famousCategory: famous
Druthers Haver @6thgrade4ever

Did Christ not stan the cancelled? Did he, in the darkness of Gethsemane, ask his Father to miss him with that?

weirdCategory: weird
max schwartz @mightyatom

Keep missing the hitbox on my evening’s singular mug of wine

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Ryan Goodman @rgoodlaw

This (photo) is how I spent last night.

Very nice hospital in The Hague with anaphylactic allergic reaction. All clear now.

Did I miss an Oval Office speech?

I assume no bombshelly news —like Trump campaign chair consorting with Russian intel agents— happened while I was out.

famousCategory: famous
Ted Cruz @tedcruz

Pretty cool: A good friend is studying in Yeshiva in Israel. His rabbi told him he liked my beard, elaborating “It gives Cruz a Talmudic & Rabbinic look & presence that will put the fear of the Lord into Israel’s enemies & promote Middle East peace.” Wow. Perhaps a bit much....

famousCategory: famous
harleybaghdad @cam

I don't have time to read a "Baby on Board" bumper sticker. I am on my phone

weirdCategory: weird
River Clegg @RiverClegg

Jeff Bezos is getting divorced after realizing that marriage counts as a union.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Henry Schulman BLUE CHECK MARK @hankschulman

If there's one thing I can predict, because this is how life works now, these two stories will change places on the sfgate.com most-read list before sunup.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
steak @stellmoney

my apartment's pest control guy always refers to Richie (my cat) as a "fellow industry professional"

hystericalCategory: hysterical
shen the bird @Shen_the_Bird

[first day as a priest]

guy: father i must confess my sins

me: what's the tea my child

weirdCategory: weird
Dan Sheehan @ItsDanSheehan

You: Hurt people hurt people

Me, nodding: and sea turtles see turtles

weirdCategory: weird
vivian @perlucidum

finding out james blake is 6'5" really ruins his music boy you are a tall white man what are you even sad about

hystericalCategory: hysterical
they/them might be giants ☭ @babadookspinoza

The year is 2035. Marie Kondo holds up the condemned man to the crowd. “Does this man spark joy?” The crowd jeers, “No he does not!” She nods silently and throws him into the pit.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Monica Lewinsky (she/her) @MonicaLewinsky

@DavidMFriend1 David Friend

Remember your first “Shutdown”?

famousCategory: famous
Jamilah Lemieux @JamilahLemieux

Looks like the 2016 election

@pollynor POLLY NOR

You don't know him like i do

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Pauly Casillas @PaulyCasillas

Hitting the weed pen in the club

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Desus MF Nice @desusnice

almost at that point in the day where that girl that carries around the ar-15 everywhere weights in on the Gillette ad by shaving her gun or something

weirdCategory: weird
Kate Aronoff @KateAronoff

If I owe you an email, please find some comfort in the fact that my every waking hour is haunted by my debt to you

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Danielle Evans @daniellevalore

Because I only ever use one emoji, my phone has stored only one emoji as a person of color, and thus I have unintentionally created this work of art I call “Diversity Meeting”.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
alexa @mariokartdwi

dudes w floor mattresses consistently lay pipe but yall aren’t ready for that conversation

weirdCategory: weird
Megan Amram @meganamram

yeah, sure, i like sorkin. sorkin my own dick

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Laura Lexx @lauralexx

Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Pomp @APompliano

The Sears pension plan is responsible for 90,000 people and underfunded by at least $1.4 billion.

The government is going to have to bail them out now.

It is irresponsible for these poorly performing pensions to not have exposure to Bitcoin.

Call yours and demand it!

badCategory: bad
Luis @oskrNYC

Keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer

weirdCategory: weird
Django Gold @django

I wonder if when you walk into a celebrity's house, there's a wall full of photos of them standing with various pizzeria owners

hystericalCategory: hysterical
iris @irispompeii

some earrings i ordered on aliexpress never arrived and they asked for photo evidence???

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Torey Van Oot @toreyvanoot

CAPTION OF THE YEAR:

hystericalCategory: hysterical
jordan @JordanUhl
weirdCategory: weird
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome

Who hasn't been in a Starbucks bathroom and thought, "the guy in charge of this should be in charge of everything."

hystericalCategory: hysterical
RichNeville @RichNeville

Found something new to say when I leave a room.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
rachel yara @bugposting

i don’t trust anyone who self-describes as “open minded”, either you want to start a fight about religion or you’re going to try to swing a threesome. please don’t make me guess

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Fae Brown @99Febro

Mercutio, dying, yelling at both Tybalt and Romeo: Both your houses are fucking canceled

weirdCategory: weird
Mr. Livengood ‍ @doublequibble

*rammstein guy asking his wife what she wants for breakfast*
do
do hash
do hash browns
do hash browns sound good
do hash browns sound good

weirdCategory: weird
Cardi B @iamcardib

Don’t make me get my leash

@TomiLahren Tomi Lahren

I got one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight ICE agents ready to deport ya.

famousCategory: famous
a luminous presence shaped like Seth D. Michaels @sethdmichaels

it was unfamiliar when a few people started using it, but over time it became a more recognized and more accepted part of the discourse, somehow

@amyewalter Amy Walter

When did ‘Overton window’ become a thing?

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Shit. Head. @THE_shitface

Welcome to Twitter ladies. A married man, who mainly follows, and interacts with only women, will be assigned to you shortly

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Benny Davis @bennymofodavis

At age 23, Oprah was fired from her first reporting job

At age 30, Harrison Ford was a carpenter

Morgan Freeman landed his first major movie role at age 52

They all had time

Because climate change wasn't as pressing an issue for their generation

You? Probably no time.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
khiry curving @KhiryArion

so I asked my mom why is she still talking to my old boo and she asked me “why are you still talking to my ex husband?”. Ma’am.. that is my father

hystericalCategory: hysterical
People's Daily, China @PDChina

Brrr! Tourists wear funny animal-like hats to withstand the cold in Harbin, Northeast China's #Heilongjiang province, on Feb 12, when temperatures fell as low as -22C

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Mikayla Downs @mikaylaariel

Pyramid scheme influencers be like:

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Adam Friedland @AdamFriedland

Gentle reminder to all the Bernie bros to practice self-care. Arguing with centrist women online is emotional labor

weirdCategory: weird
m @grouchomarn

this is one of my favorite posts of all time

hystericalCategory: hysterical
jo @whatsJo

[inventing balloons] I need one more thing that wants to leave me

weirdCategory: weird
Erica Buist @ericabuist

Shut up or Britain will vote for it

@qikipedia Quite Interesting

If all the spiders in the world worked together, they could eat all humans in just one year.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Chase Mitchell @ChaseMit

This looks like a scientist explaining to his clones what went wrong

hystericalCategory: hysterical
sara mchenry @yellowcardigan

My therapist: <laughs at a joke I said>

Me (to myself): This is great. I’m going to get a good grade in therapy, something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve,

weirdCategory: weird
Cooper Fleishman @_Cooper

Please. That’s my father’s name. You can call me Jimmy Eat World

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Curtis Sittenfeld @csittenfeld

Tonight I defined portmanteau for my children with the sentence "I sharted in my jorts" in case anyone ever tries to tell you being an English major doesn't pay off

famousCategory: famous
Mitt Romney @MittRomney

My team surprised me with a cake made out of my favorite snack—twinkies! Looking forward to all this year has in store.

famousCategory: famous
The Golden Sir @screaminbutcalm

Me sowing: Haha fuck yeah!!! Yes!!

Me reaping: Well this fucking sucks. What the fuck.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
The Gentle Freak @mitchysuch

No one talks about the correlation of pop punk songs disparaging the suburbs and the modern gentrification of urban centers

hystericalCategory: hysterical
wint @dril

yes i am a "HO"

Honorable
online

weirdCategory: weird
Yashar Ali @yashar

@AOC I’m sorry to tell you it’s much more than 10. But this is for a couple!

@yashar Yashar Ali

As a couple you should own a minimum of the following

10 Bath Sheets
10 Bath Towels
10 Hand Towels
20 Wash Cloths

Preferably more

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez @AOC

@yashar This is for a bed and breakfast

weirdCategory: weird
comedycentral @ComedyCentral

Beto O’Rourke, photographed by Annie-morph Leibovitz.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
hunter harris @hunteryharris

i .............................. nytimes.com/2019/03/14/sty…

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Jia Tolentino @jiatolentino

A brief survey of my own text messages is making me wonder if I'm gonna talk like this forever. Like am I going to be 90 years old schlepping my walker around the nursing home & poking my head into friends rooms like "hello my good bitch, the edible you gave me was tight"

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Ariel Dumas @ArielDumas

No one:

Your mom: your dad was in the hospital last week but he’s fine now

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Law Boy @The_Law_Boy

ME: [never once in the 14 years of YouTube's existence watching a video about how Islam is taking over the West]

YOUTUBE: you know what I think you'd like

hystericalCategory: hysterical
a @brokeangeI

╭━━━━━━━━━━━━╮
┃ CO — STAR ┃
┃ ┃
┃I see you’ve got ur clown ┃
┃suit on like you always do ┃
╰━━━━━━━━━━━━╯

hystericalCategory: hysterical
hunter harris @hunteryharris

elizabeth holmes had split ends and didn't fill in her brows of course she was lying. next question

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Patricia Lockwood @TriciaLockwood

me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you

miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!

weirdCategory: weird
{kin} @1kinflk

To see if you had scoliosis???

@vixendessy 11:11

do y’all remember those scoliosis screenings in middle school? wtf was the reason for that

hystericalCategory: hysterical
wint @dril

just found out about Object Permanence... why didnt any one tell me about this shit

weirdCategory: weird
Colin Diersing @cdiersing

Guy with the megaphone: No justice!

Crowd: No peace!

Guy with megaphone: You were at my wedding!

Crowd (louder this time): Denise!

dunksCategory: dunks
Brooks Otterlake @i_zzzzzz

DOCTOR: It says here you took 3 years off to "soak in tub" ?
ME: (pleasantly) Yes, due to my agonies.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Jennifer Gunter @DrJenGunter

I made a Venn diagram

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Andrew Yang ⬆️ @AndrewYang

The only thing standing between me and the White House is popularity.

famousCategory: famous
Adam Sternbergh @sternbergh

ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you: twitter

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Cara Weinberger @caraweinberger

[man gets down on one knee] this is actually more of a comment than a question

hystericalCategory: hysterical
frog "Philip K. Dickgirl" kosaric @yurirando

tibetan foxes have the exact energy of when you go into arby's stoned and ask about their 5 for $5 promotion, which has been gone for longer than anyone has worked there. the tibetan sand fox's face is the face the cashier makes at you, and the face you make at the cashier

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Fred Delicious @Fred_Delicious

I made this thinking it would be funny but now I'm on the verge of a panic attack

weirdCategory: weird
Druthers Haver @6thgrade4ever

CHOTINER: So how many tacos did you eat?
ME: About four, I think.
CHOTINER: Ok. On Instagram--
ME: Or six, maybe.
CHOTINER: Yeah. Do you think some people might call that a lot?
ME: Well, that's why I got the small chips.
CHOTINER: Right. It's about discipline.
ME: Exactly.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
j✩sh @bucketof1ove

damn they finally got rid of morrissey

@coachella Coachella

The Smiths

dunksCategory: dunks
computer man @gloomfather

Lol that’s funny dude. Reminds me of something one of my mentally ill twitter friends said several months ago.. hang on just give me 45 minutes to find it so I can read it out loud for you,

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Megan Amram @meganamram

what is this, robin thicke? because of all the blurred lines!

hystericalCategory: hysterical
pxt @paulxt

please nobody show radiohead this

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Desus MF Nice @desusnice

White man: you can’t sit here!

Rosa parks: why not?

White man: because you already have a place......in my heart.

*ancestry dot com logo with a soft fade out*

weirdCategory: weird
Desus MF Nice @desusnice

for all they gassed it up in school the whole checks and balances system is a wild flop

weirdCategory: weird
Maggie Haberman @maggieNYT

I hope you read it, Chris - among other things, it affirms most of the real-time reporting that the NYT and other outlets did, reporting the White House sought to undermine at the time. It's a fascinating read and one that everyone should spend time on.

@ChrisRBarron Chris Barron

I hope they do to and don’t rely on the NYT.

Chris Barron @thechrisbarron

@maggieNYT Hey. I just want to say, I’m Chris Barron, the guy from the Spin Doctors. @ChrisRBarron is not me and I don’t share his political views.

famousCategory: famous
traitor joe @phoebe_bridgers

hey there delilah are you mad at me

famousCategory: famous
wint @dril

alone and my thoughts...

weirdCategory: weird
Kelsey D. Atherton, now available on Bluesky @AthertonKD

Oh, you're experiencing a structural problem? Have you ever considered trying different personal choices instead?

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Brandy Jensen @BrandyLJensen

I’m deleting this tweet because the wave of vitriol it sparked is wild but want to transparent about it, so here’s a screenshot for posterity. My main point was that I made sacrifices to be tilted like a pig and that it is 100% possible if you make some compromises

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Jon Bois @jon_bois

i hate to be that guy, but if i was a baseball player i could definitely escape. especially if i was an outfielder. just wait for a grounder and hop the fence when no one’s looking. i’d be miles away before anyone noticed

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Dan Sheehan @ItsDanSheehan

One time my dad saw a car for sale on a guy’s lawn in Wisconsin and thought it was a car that could transition into being a boat (???) so he told the guy he’d love to “buy this thing and drive it straight into the lake” which must’ve seemed like a massive power move at the time

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Philip Bump @pbump

Today someone sent me hate email in all caps so I told him that I had a disorder where I couldn't read capital letters and he retyped the whole thing in lowercase.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
popculturediedin2009 @pcd2009

i know this hasn't been a topic of conversation since 2004 but can we take a moment to acknowledge the official release of paris hilton's sex tape opens with a dedication to 9/11

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Dr. Fresch @DrFresch

it’s so weird to think how LMFAO was just a dude and his uncle

imagine chillin and ur uncle pulls up in those pants like bro let’s do this

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Gertrude Perkins ☄ @gertrudeprkns

Jim Carrey Robotnik looks like he and his wife trawl Tinder in search of "a third troubador to join us for schnapps and decadence in our Steampunk Boudoir"

hystericalCategory: hysterical
The visual noise of the cereal isle @clefabledude

wife: this might be racist-

me:

wife: against italians but-

me:

weirdCategory: weird
HootHoot Liker @RainsNeerMyth

Detective Pikachu and Sonic are the start of the super smash brothers cinematic universe

hystericalCategory: hysterical
SonicFox @ BLFC @SonicFox

do not associate me with the sonic the hedgehog movie if you dont want your shins to be deleted

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Ed Casey @edcasey

This is it, my Nextdoor magnum opus...

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Kima Jones @kima_jones

This typo is about to finish me off for good

hystericalCategory: hysterical
henry @hdevalence
hystericalCategory: hysterical
SHAQ @SHAQ

I cant sleep gotta get 2 walmart

famousCategory: famous
Robby @RobbyRav

Damn imagine you found the love of your life...then you see her tweeting about not washing her legs

hystericalCategory: hysterical
j. @hereiamja

Dumplings imply the existence of a large dumple

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Nitsuh Abebe @ntabebe

i don't think the british monarchy can survive the fact that it's gonna have kings for a while. modern people can handle a quaint old lady as a beloved figurehead, but middle-aged bald guys who think they're hereditarily better than you? unsustainable

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Paul Cherry @paulcherry69

just invented the sequel to the game ‘fuck marry kill’ it’s called ‘stan cancel mute’

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Desus MF Nice @desusnice

ppl get drunk on their birthday to distract from the fact that’s it’s also your annual performance review with the universe

weirdCategory: weird
fai @fair_played

judas:

@corynmyles Certified Lover Girl

If you stan J**** C****** unfollow me now. Like immediately.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Brandon Morse @TheBrandonMorse

I’ve never seen something more human from a robot than this.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Sarah Beattie @nachosarah

trust me it doesn’t work

@JoeMyGod JoeMyGod

NEW JERSEY: Presbyterian Minister Accused Of Using Oral Sex To Suck Out Men's Evil During Ritual Exorcisms - joemygod.com/2019/06/new-je…

hystericalCategory: hysterical
I'm on bluesky now @InternetHippo

Apparently the moon is slowly backing away from the earth (at a rate of like 2 inches per year) and honestly there’s no loyalty in this solar system. You’re nothing without us you cratered bitch

hystericalCategory: hysterical
David East @davideastUK

[middle english period group chat]

feudalismluvr: havin roast beef w/gravé tonite
groats4days: lol gravé
saxon_69: gravé
domesday_bloke: gravé
yas_faerie_kween: gravé

[le_borte_d'arthur has changed the group name to "gravé"]

@HaggardHawks Haggard Hawks Words | Language | Etymology

GRAVY is thought to derive from and Old French word, ‘grané’, that likely meant ‘seasoned’ or “well flavoured’. The N in ‘grané’ was likely misread for a U or a V in the Middle English period, and the mistake has remained in place ever since.

weirdCategory: weird
wife of the mind @andrealongchu

a lot of writers on here like to complain about how hard writing is but personally i just open up the dirty window and let the sun illuminate the words that i cannot find

weirdCategory: weird
doctor peanut @NINETIREDBUGS

whenever i see any of u flirting publicly on twitter dot com this is how i feel

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Someone Normal @whysimonewhy

When hot mean girls become public leftists

hystericalCategory: hysterical
mattmerchant @midmerch

Saying Louis CK got a standing ovation without revealing the venue didn’t have chairs is some PT Barnum level marketing.

famousCategory: famous
ALJ Dredd @UnionSaltBae

I must not reply. Replying is the mind-killer. Replying is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face the bad tweet. I will permit the bad tweet to pass over me and through me.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
m-at-thew @TweetPotato314

me: did you steal my thesaurus

horse: nope

weirdCategory: weird
alex @mineifiwildout

rip to ur grandma but i’m different

weirdCategory: weird
madoc cairns | wsj @MadocCairns
hystericalCategory: hysterical
e m m a s w i f t @emmaswiftsings

Every boyfriend I’ve ever had

@DailyBUCKS BUCKINGHAMSHIRE

'Exotic' bird turns out to be a gull covered in curry or turmeric j.mp/2Xlfoxt

weirdCategory: weird
. @wbuik

Aw shit...I just realized that the U.S. is to the world what Boston is to the U.S.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Blaze. @DopeLikeBlaze

I just feel like there’s another way

@omgkgomotso motso

Get pregnant and you shall see his true colours.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Nick Scalera @nickscalera

I’m advising commuters not to use the street elevator at Pentagon Metro this morning. #wmata

earnestCategory: earnest
Drew Gooden @drewisgooden

Excuse me @Delta but this is outrageous. I just got sucked through the toilet hole in one of your aircrafts and am now hurtling through the sky, can I get my money back? This never happens on Southwest.

weirdCategory: weird
Joe Dirte @DickFooDog

tired of these mfs

hystericalCategory: hysterical
zack @ItsLumberzack

oh fuck yeah I’m WOKE

W- white guy
O- overestimating my
K- knowledge on
E- extremely complex issues

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Jay Nedaj @JayNedaj

Kids be like “Watch this” then do a jump and spin wasting my fucking time

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Losing it @prophethusband

bro we’re in out late 20s we aren’t “socially awkward” we are fucking losers

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Dread Pirate Sunder @SunderCR

tarzan's last thought as he plummets to the jungle floor

@TopSpinTheFuzzy TopSpin the Fuzzy | PNGtuber

I miss vine

weirdCategory: weird
Kyle @KylePlantEmoji

[first day at Domino's]

Manager: oh and one more thing: don't fuck the pizzas

Me: haha

Asst Manager: seriously, don't fuck them

Cook: dont fuck the pizzas dude

Me: I'm n-

Customer: that guy's not gonna fuck my pizza is he?

Manager: not if he wants to keep his job he wont.

weirdCategory: weird
Ben Rosen @ben_rosen

The Sopranos should be called Jersey Boys and Jersey Boys should be called The Sopranos

hystericalCategory: hysterical
rob dubbin @robdubbin

MY MAN: (comes home)
ME: (nervous) how was the store
MY MAN: fine
ME: oh thank g —
MY MAN: ran into jolene
ME: oh no
MY MAN: she mentioned you left kind of an intense voicemail

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Brooks Otterlake @i_zzzzzz

I think all student loans should be forgiven but each person's forgiveness ceremony should be extremely long and insanely Catholic

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Willie McNabb @WillieMcNabb

@JasonIsbell Legit question for rural Americans - How do I kill the 30-50 feral hogs that run into my yard within 3-5 mins while my small kids play?

hystericalCategory: hysterical
heather schmelzlen @anchorlines

because maybe
you're gonna be the one that saves me
and after all
you're my feral hog

weirdCategory: weird
Angelo Guisado @VoltaireLaFlare

calling them feral hogs is a good start but we’re not going to get anywhere if they still get qualified immunity

hystericalCategory: hysterical
jos @josiahhughes

to me the most cursed “tik tok” is the passage of time itself

hystericalCategory: hysterical
raina @quakerraina

The Beatles didn’t make good music they just happened to exist in the first decade that women were allowed to be horny

hystericalCategory: hysterical
DJ Judd @DJJudd

“I shook Robert Kennedy’s hand in 1968,” a woman tells Pete Buttigieg. “So you’re good luck?” he asks. “Not really— he was shot a month later,” she tells him.

famousCategory: famous
Kate Aronoff @KateAronoff

millennials trying to fit in while talking to boomers and gen x about a potential recession: yeah totally it'd be a huge bummer if all my .....assets..... lost.... value

hystericalCategory: hysterical
James @CaucasianJames

i really hope we never have flying cars. imagine walking home after a bad day and a kia soul flies over u blasting party rock anthem

hystericalCategory: hysterical
diana thirst @rlycalm

this the toilet taint

weirdCategory: weird
nick ciarelli @nickciarelli

Jeremy renner is like if a normal guy who works at Dicks sporting goods was granted many wishes by god

hystericalCategory: hysterical
maybe: God @champagneswathi

if your boyfriend has an android.. ur single to me tf is he gonna do?? tell me to (1/2) fuck (2/2) off ???

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Patricia Lockwood @TriciaLockwood

every time I start my period early and am wondering why I wake up the next morning and see that franzen’s been at it again

weirdCategory: weird
palmer ward @decentbirthday

I thought my GrubHub driver died for a second

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Dan Sheehan @ItsDanSheehan

Left this up for my roommates but if anyone needs to quote tweet it and say “same” to go viral, I understand

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Josh @iwearaonesie

wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how

earnestCategory: earnest
Nick Harvey @mrnickharvey

No shit Sherlock

hystericalCategory: hysterical
sweet daddy (taylor’s version) @callmedgoodz

who is the share to facebook button on pornhub really helping

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Christopher Ashman @CAshmanActor

German snakes be like hißß

weirdCategory: weird
bijan @bijanstephen

how old were you when you realized seal's "kissed by a rose" was about cocaine

Victor Ware @nvrslps

@bijanstephen I checked Genius and this exchange killed me

famousCategory: famous
shanley @shanley

this.... this explains so much

@bijanstephen bijan

how old were you when you realized seal's "kissed by a rose" was about cocaine

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Psw @tigersgoroooar

i refuse to ever teach my daughters the archaic concept of “losing one’s virginity” as if some baby-dicked boy who drives a Honda Civic is really taking something special from you lmaaaoo grow up and overthrow the government

weirdCategory: weird
Kyle Daly @dalykyle

Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought "Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard" meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie

hystericalCategory: hysterical
southpaw @nycsouthpaw

RT @theblatt: It’s been 243 years since 1776. Who would have thought that the UK would end up with a functioning Supreme Court and the US w…

hystericalCategory: hysterical
brent @murrman5

[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?

hystericalCategory: hysterical
amfmpm.bsky.social @amfmpm

fourth law of robotics is ya gotta make it so the eyes go red when they turn evil

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Desus MF Nice @desusnice

Drop a pin so I can fade you

@RudyGiuliani Rudy W. Giuliani

American League Solidarity

famousCategory: famous
@turtlekiosk

guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Jeremy Gordon @jeremypgordon

[Cher "Believe" voice] Can you retweet and like all my posts

hystericalCategory: hysterical
demi adejuyigbe @electrolemon

not trying to start a feud or anything but I’m a little annoyed @HBO & Nicholas Britell asked Pusha T to write lyrics to the Succession theme, since they asked me to first and turned my version down youtu.be/e-6K2CjJ6dk

hystericalCategory: hysterical
wint @dril

really fucked up that you have to start every letter with "Dear" like youre trying to get the dept of weights and measures or whoever horny

weirdCategory: weird
Jelly Santos @MrsJellySantos

Twitter has ruined everything. I can’t stop wondering if these people washed their legs before smashing grapes.

@insiderfood Insider Food

We visited Quinta de Vargellas to see how traditional port wine is made

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Maya Murillo @mayainthemoment

I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops

hystericalCategory: hysterical
bela lugosi's dad @markpopham

keeping track of things with the following rhyme:

if the Naomi be Klein
you’re doing just fine
If the Naomi be Wolf
Oh, buddy. Ooooof.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
can’t ban da snowman @MARSBEENTHUGGIN

that’s wild asf how animals just eat meat with no honey mustard, bbq sauce or nothing.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
DVS @DVSblast

YALL REALLY INSTALL A MICROPHONE THAT LISTENS TO U SLEEP JUST SO U CAN PRETEND TO BE A STAR TREK WITH A ROBOT ASSISTANT? WHAT IMPORTANT INSTRUCTIONS U GOT FOR IT ANYWAY? "ALEXA, REMIND ME NOT TO COOK & EAT MY KIDS"

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Ursula K LeBron @killakow

Me: So Nephew Kyle is Bill Simmons’ real nephew, but Cousin Sal is not his cousin. Rather, he’s Jimmy Kimmel’s cousin. Simmons was on the writing staff toward the beginning of Kimmel’s show

MacArthur Genius Grant Committee Chair: *typing furiously* Hold on you’re going too fast

weirdCategory: weird
Tony Hawk @tonyhawk

Kid at skatepark (as I arrive): “you a good skater?
me: sometimes
him: you ever been here?
me: no
him: you travel a lot?
me: yes, perhaps too much
him: are you a YouTuber?
me: no, I’m just a skater and a dad
him: wanna see me do a jump?
me: absolutely
..and I then shot this pic

Tony Hawk @tonyhawk

Follow up: I asked him his name and he said Irving. I told him my name is Tony, to which he replied sarcastically “like Tony Hawk haha”
and then he left.

famousCategory: famous
Sofia Paredes @SofiaParedes79

When I'm bored I go around putting
these stickers on paper towel
dispensers

hystericalCategory: hysterical
jack @jack

Twitter

from
TWITTER

famousCategory: famous
little farma @stylesp

When I don’t know if someone is a lady or man I just call them fam .. ‍♂️ ‍♂️ i ain’t sure if that’s appropriate but that’s the best I can think of ..

earnestCategory: earnest
Roob @roob_drummer

snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this

hystericalCategory: hysterical
alsarath @alsarath

guillotine:
-gory
-hard to clean
-gets out of hand

wicker man:
-family friendly
-songs
-grows the seed and blows the mead and springs the wood anew

weirdCategory: weird
Melissa A. Fabello, PhD @fyeahmfabello

I want to chat briefly about this text that I received from a friend last week:

badCategory: bad
Matthew Miller @matthewamiller

Memo to the file: my google search history shows I searched "Trump nude photos" because I was trying to figure out what the hell Nunes keeps talking about, not because I actually, you know.....[shudder].

hystericalCategory: hysterical
fredesque @FredTaming

me: face down, ass up

funeral director: absolutely not

weirdCategory: weird
maura johnston @maura

woman on the verge of a breakthrough (pixels, 2019)

famousCategory: famous
Anna Merlan @annamerlan

It’s me, Amanda Palmer. Please behold my ten-part play about a trio of French mimes having a mournful orgy inside a rusty harmonium. If you do not cover this you’re an enemy of women

famousCategory: famous
Melissa Gira Grant @melissagira

You know this all ends with Quillette launching a “punk cabaret” vertical

famousCategory: famous
Jake Maccoby @jdmaccoby

A+ correction

hystericalCategory: hysterical
OLIVIA @HoneyEyedOlive

one time someone said pavlov probably thought about feeding his dogs every time he heard someone ring a bell and i haven’t been the same since

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Amy Slanchik @amyslanchik

Kiefer Police Chief Johnny O’Mara says one of his officers picked up five cups of coffee today at the Glenpool @Starbucks for his dispatchers, as a thank you for working on Thanksgiving.

“PIG” was printed on all five labels, he says. @NewsOn6

hystericalCategory: hysterical
JP @jpbrammer

remembering that time the New York DMV put a random 40-year-old Dominican man on my official driver's license and when I complained they said well is this not you

hystericalCategory: hysterical
aida osman @shutupaida

i hate when people pray over my food. don’t you know it taste better if it got a dash of devil in it?

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Devon sawa fan page @Goldfarb232

Epstein (in Hell): I guess i'm thankful for the people stood by me,
xxxtentacion: bro pass the stuffing
nancy reagan: mr xxxtentacion, would you like . to suck cranberry sauce from my tits

weirdCategory: weird
dylan gelula @DylanGelula

"i wish trader joes was on instacart!" -me living out my little pretend life as my phone sells my medical history to Chevron

hystericalCategory: hysterical
shawnee @sh_wnee

how did the grape afford surgery

weirdCategory: weird
Dr. Larry Cebula @larrycebula

Friend took me for coffee, to talk.

Him: Wife and I are having a baby. Your kids seem cool. Parenting--how do you do it? Any tips?

Me: Whenever you see a stack of free paper napkins take a big handful.

Him:

Me:

Him: That's it?

Me: It is the only thing I am sure of.

earnestCategory: earnest
Luis Vercetti @97Vercetti

no cop has ever told me “be safe” .. my weed man say it every time i leave his place .. says a lot about society

hystericalCategory: hysterical
soul nate @MNateShyamalan

hello, i’m an adult in a christmas movie. i don’t believe in santa but have also never bought my children even one of the presents they receive every year. they just appear and i am fine with this reality. this is neither confusing nor horrifying

weirdCategory: weird
JP @jpbrammer

hate the Christmas lyric “do you know what I know?” smug little shit

weirdCategory: weird
Kyle @KylePlantEmoji

White dudes will be like "there he is, the man, the myth, the legend!" And it's just Garrett

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Stephen @Stephenlough95

Me: "Can I have some friends over ?"

My mother: "who is coming?"

Me:

hystericalCategory: hysterical
David Farrier @davidfarrier

this is my review of cats

mackey @James__Mackey

@davidfarrier "I'm 37 now, I've just seen the Cats movie."

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Camryn Garrett FRIDAY I'M IN LOVE OUT NOW @dancingofpens

These random boys added me to a group chat for people named Garrett and I get to stay bc they’re being very kind and it’s probably the best thing that’s happened all day

hystericalCategory: hysterical
not brendan @crocodilethumbs

do you think the kool aid man moves into bigger pitchers as he outgrows them like a hermit crab

weirdCategory: weird
Kyle @KylePlantEmoji

I tried explaining impeachment and the first thought I had was "he's been cancelled, but his account hasn't been suspended" and I need to lie down and think about who I am and what I'm doing

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Fujoshi's Island @Dauragon

This movie turned my guy into dr manhattan

@davidfarrier David Farrier

this is my review of cats

hystericalCategory: hysterical
sio @bestinsio

subway rat made eye contact with me and said “join us. when the train comes we slide under the tracks and feel it rumble over us like a warm thunderstorm. we live forever and we love to live” I said no thank you I am too large he turned away from me I cried

weirdCategory: weird
Crowsa Luxemburg @quendergeer

The existence of Tyler, the Creator presupposes the existences of a Tyler, the Destroyer. In this essay i shall

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Mina Kimes @minakimes

handsomely

@StraightTalkSp1 StraightTalkSports

@minakimes How do you get paid to talk about sports

dunksCategory: dunks
the prince with a thousand enemies ♂️ @jaketropolis

wish it was 1871 so i could cough into a hankerchief once, notice it is spotted with blood, and then die tragically and sexily a few weeks later from the consumption

hystericalCategory: hysterical
eli yudin @eliyudin

Not having sex for a year has made me see things differently. Mostly I see things like before, but hornier

hystericalCategory: hysterical
aida osman @shutupaida

we both depressed, now we fucking under this weighted blanket

weirdCategory: weird
erin @errrelizabethh

Going into 2020 a virgin!!!

hystericalCategory: hysterical
EJ @chordgang

the word queer has too much baggage for some people to ever be comfortable with its use, and any acronym is going to either exclude people or be incredibly unwieldy. I'm therefore suggesting a new term for people with non-normative sexual/gender identities.

the word is jellicle

hystericalCategory: hysterical
danny ★ @husbandu

losing it at this rn

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Trey Smith @SlimiHendrix

this is one of the most powerful tweets i’ve ever seen

@htxjaylo HTX©

To anybody I hurt this year, I just want to say you deserved it. Stop playing with me

weirdCategory: weird
the prince with a thousand enemies ♂️ @jaketropolis

so i can fuck your wife while you're deployed

@yogamattyy matty

The draft dodging jokes are funny. But for real. If you wouldn’t fight for your country, why are you here?

hystericalCategory: hysterical
grace @GemOfAmara

no one:
every writers' room in history: I've thought of a great title for this episode

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Andrew Sullivan @sullydish

@nhannahjones @conor64 @AdamSerwer She decided to include what she calls a "myth" about "large sex organs" among African-Americans. As a test to see just how fact-checked these essays were, I merely asked her what sources she had that this is indeed a "myth." 2/

badCategory: bad
Alex "Tropical" Forrest @380kmh

apparently a freight train in Minnesota was leaking corn

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Kelsey D. Atherton, now available on Bluesky @AthertonKD

there are thankfully few writers of Andrew Sullivan's calipers

dunkCategory: dunk
NewDadNotes @NewDadNotes

[watching Star Wars]

Daughter: that was dumb to call it the Death Star.

Me: why?

Daughter: cause it tells the Rebels they need to blow it up.

Me: oh.

Daughter: I’m gonna call mine the Hope Star.

Me: smart lol wait-what?

badCategory: bad
Hannalore Gerling-Dunsmore @JoyofPhysics

Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS

Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Sarah Lazarus @sarahclazarus

regular weekend: damn hope I have time to do laundry

three day weekend: ’

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Patricia Hernandez @xpatriciah

best tinder bio I’ve ever read

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Alice Bennett ⏰ @alicecbennett

My vet has the news on precisely how little salami cats can have as a treat

hystericalCategory: hysterical
JP @jpbrammer

writing my Latino novel: "We fled late in the night, or /la noche/ as Mami calls it. I'm always embarrassed when Mami says shit like that, but I forgive her because she's one of eleven kids and is from /el barrio./ Anyway it was late at night, and Yolanda Saldivar was chasing us-

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Effi Mai @EffiMai

No WONDER THIS WON THE WORST SEX AWARD THIS YEAR WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK

Tamarindo @MulherTamarindo

@EffiMai @murilopavo What a terrible day to know how to read

dunksCategory: dunks
Becca Laurie @imbeccable

rip mr peanut, honey roasted to death

hystericalCategory: hysterical
willy @willystaley

The guy who owns Tito's Vodka is named Tito Beveridge....what the fuck

hystericalCategory: hysterical
bosco @selentelechia

famous: well-known for Good reasons

infamous: well-known for Bad reasons

therefore

flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons

inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons

hystericalCategory: hysterical
San Miguel Sheriff @SheriffAlert

Large boulder the size of a small boulder is completely blocking east-bound lane Highway 145 mm78 at Silverpick Rd. Please use caution and watch for emergency vehicles in the area.

famousCategory: famous
ً @_OfficialR62

some people just do not learn

@ameliadimz Amelia Dimoldenberg

An Oscar worthy date OUT THURSDAY #DanielKaluuya #ChickenShopDate

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Nate Marshall @illuminatemics

when i listen to 'Kiss Me' by Sixpence None The Richer i am transported to when i was an angsty suburban caucasian girl who had a crush on the star QB. is this how white people feel about rap songs? i get it now. this is lit.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Toni @Funy0nion

jello being vacuumed through a tube be like shldopslddldpsshlosphsosspslosspspdls

weirdCategory: weird
m a x w i t t e r t @waxmittert

BIIIIIIIIIIIITCH!!!!!! Is that MEDICAL fondue?!?????!?

hystericalCategory: hysterical
elisabeth @threelisabeth

me at 8am on my day off: wow, a whole day stretches before me... what wonders await, how many things will i do!

me at noon on my day off: 4 hours deep into a stranger's "troubleshooting your homemade yogurt" wordpress blog posts

hystericalCategory: hysterical
I'm on bluesky now @InternetHippo

It’s wild that you can just do anything. Date the wrong person, choose the wrong career. You can go outside and start eating dirt if you want, and the universe lets you. Not even a pop up like “Are you sure?”

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Nick Hurwitch @heWIZARD

There are only 6 kinds of tweet:

1. I feel drunk but I'm sober
2. I'm young and I'm underpaid
3. I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
4. I care but I'm restless
5. I'm here but I'm really gone
6. I'm wrong and I'm sorry, baby

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Arwen @OATMlLKLATTE

ask not for
whom the baja blasts;
it blasts for
thee

weirdCategory: weird
Molly Lambert @mollylambert

Quibi is short for Quick Bites ergo Hulu is short for Huge Lunch

hystericalCategory: hysterical
The Hard Times @REALpunknews

Nü-Metal Doctor Asks You to Open Mouth and Say, “Ooh WA-AH-AH-AH-AH!”

hystericalCategory: hysterical
M.D. @Meg_D_ItsMe

Law & Order: Massachusetts
.
.
.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
demi adejuyigbe @electrolemon
hystericalCategory: hysterical
leon @leyawn

men love driving cars with their feet sticking out the bottom and saying shit like yabba dabba doo²

² Posted during the first half of the 2019-2020 coronavirus outbreak, but preceding The Incident, we begin to see Leon's posting ability decline.

weirdCategory: weird
heather schmelzlen @anchorlines

did my mom send this

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Jill Bennett @jillreports

I was sent to a Costco to see if people are stocking up (even though health officials say it’s not necessary) in case COVID-19 gets more serious here. This guy came out of the store with 16 boxes of condoms and a big jar of coconut oil. We all have priorities.

badCategory: bad
with a Y @wyntermitchell

I love black people.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Grosdoriane @Grosdoriane

A while back, Dunkin Donuts used Rob Gronkowski in some ads. But my friend and I had no idea he was a football player, so we thought Dunkin came up with an Original Character named "Gronk" to advertise their energy drink.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Rage Against The Machine ★ @RATM

Washing in the name of...

On this occasion it's best you do what they tell ya

famousCategory: famous
Jon @ArfMeasures

Interviewer: Why do you want to work for Facebook?

Me: I'm keen on protecting people's data and want them to have a good user experience

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer:

Me: haha I'm joking I don't give a shit

Interviewer: haha omg I was like whaaatttt lmao

hystericalCategory: hysterical
soul nate @MNateShyamalan

the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on

producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?

the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word

producer: sounds bad

the killers: its the greatest song ever written

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Casey Johnston @caseyjohnston

absolutely killing me that all-purpose cleaning sprays made by mrs meyers, seventh generation, et al are still on grocery store shelves. when the cards are down and shit hits the fan no one is an organic hippie anymore

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Edward Snowden @Snowden

Social distancing is underrated.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Steven (with a ph) @SJKSalisbury

Thankfully I haven't had to go out and panic buy any food as I've been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
thomas (Bad Boy arc) @perfectsweeties

long ago Andy Samberg cast out the awkward and mean parts of his personality which went on to take shape in the form of Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg. they now exist as a living matroyshka. every night Cera must climb inside Eisenberg who must then himself climb inside Samberg

weirdCategory: weird
mags @magn0liadana

in my first zoom class prof started sharing screen and one of her folders is just in all caps DIVORCE

hystericalCategory: hysterical
soul nate @MNateShyamalan

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
- whiny
- boring
- weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
- heroic, valiant
- they will assume you have a sword
- impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

weirdCategory: weird
jessi-sama✨ @darthmewwww

Day 4 of quarantine

hystericalCategory: hysterical
vm ❊ @tentwentysixpm

what THE FUCK

hystericalCategory: hysterical
whit @whitneyarner

I had a dream that there was a thing on here where whenever Cuomo did something to dunk on de Blasio everyone posted "eggs up for Cuomo "

hystericalCategory: hysterical
ava @wownicebuttdude

had 3 coffees and a bunch of american cheese for breakfast "to see what happens"

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Laura Norkin @inLaurasWords

A funny thing about quarantining is hearing your partner in full work mode for the first time. Like, I’m married to a “let’s circle back” guy — who knew?

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Garrett Miller @heyitsgarrett

I've never played Animal Crossing, but based on what I've read on Twitter, you play a depressed millennial who moves to a deserted island to collect fish. Everyone congratulates you for catching these fish, except for Tom Nook who is an asshole.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
James Blunt @JamesBlunt

During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.

famousCategory: famous
Kendra Alvey @Kendragarden

One thing I’ve learned so far in quarantine is that my husband refuses to microwave anything for 45 seconds, he always does 44. When I asked him why, he said, “For Obama.”

badCategory: bad
Jerry Saltz @jerrysaltz

Commencing Day 16 Of Sheltering-in-Place. Coffee-run to gas-station complete. Eighteen large to-go. Put in car, drive them home, deloused, decontaminated, showered, and placed in fridge for use.
Stay safe out there, outlaws and creative-gypsies.

badCategory: bad
Ariana Lenarsky @aardvarsk

explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone

hystericalCategory: hysterical
philip lewis @Phil_Lewis_

When you’re in full codeswitch mode but slip up a little bit:

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Romain Revert @romainrevert

Due to less air pollution the sky is so clear ! I can see the Universal logo !

weirdCategory: weird
Chris Thorburn @CBThorburn

Editor: You get those photos of Elliott Gould and Grover?
Photographer: Sure did boss, real fuckin sexy just like you asked.
Editor: what

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Jose Canseco @JoseCanseco

Can Bigfoot or aliens get Coronavirus I need to know because I have had contact with them

weirdCategory: weird
Grimes @Grimezsz

Having a baby is like the dark souls of tamagotchi

famousCategory: famous
Sophia Benoit @1followernodad

best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Sophia Benoit @1followernodad

best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!

Amanda Mannen @Manna_Festo

@1followernodad @MaraWilson He never even tells us what he'd do as a man who makes potions in a traveling show. Just leaves that whole storyline dangling.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Allie Goertz @AllieGoertz

Why would anyone try to end the lockdown before we reach Day 69?

hystericalCategory: hysterical
defne gencler @omgitsdef

Today is 5/9, or as some guys call it 5/11

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Christina Grace @C_GraceT

she was the blueprint for....so many Twitter users

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Noam Blum @neontaster

My plans 2020

hystericalCategory: hysterical
no @zedonarrival

thinking about how my ex used to say lana del rey was miserable that she'd never get the opportunity to fuck JFK and took it out on the rest of us with her music

hystericalCategory: hysterical
N.O.R.E @noreaga

She in racial chat rooms showing feet!!!

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Eize Basa @PonchoRebound

My dude found out exactly how expensive this hobby can get…

hystericalCategory: hysterical
bandit @UtilityLimb

Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE

weirdCategory: weird
The Onion @TheOnion

De Blasio: ‘It Is An Honor To Have My Daughter Doxxed By The Greatest Police Force In The World’ bit.ly/2Mm1Zx4

hystericalCategory: hysterical
NaomiOsaka大坂なおみ @naomiosaka

I hate when random people say athletes shouldn’t get involved with politics and just entertain. Firstly, this is a human rights issue. Secondly, what gives you more right to speak than me? By that logic if you work at IKEA you are only allowed to talk about the “GRÖNLID” ‍♀️?

famousCategory: famous
m-at-thew @TweetPotato314

me: how many are in a dozen

baker: 13

me: why

baker: cause fuck 12

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Jenny Skeleson @JennyENicholson

We're gonna have to retire the expression "avoid it like the plague" because it turns out humans do not do that

hystericalCategory: hysterical
soul nate @MNateShyamalan

british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely

american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Soon-Tzu Speechley 孫子 @speechleyish

Writing about US food the way the NYT covers Asian fruit: In a nation torn by racial conflict, one unlikely food unites. To those accustomed to chopsticks, the greasy parcel known as a 'burger', a sort of split bao, is crude and messy. Yet it encapsulates a nation's violent past.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Astral Ward Researcher Casey @kcander44

Me: What do you want to name your character?

Kid (almost 4): City Jeans.

Me: I've literally been paid to come up with character names for a video game and never thought of one that good.

Kid: Incredible Good Fun Francis Dances.

Me: Fuck.

earnestCategory: earnest
Zack Budryk @BudrykZack

Always the last place you'd think to look

@KatieKatro6abc Katie Katro

2 bodies recovered during search for missing swimmers at Murderkill River 6abc.com/murderkill-riv…

hystericalCategory: hysterical
gabbi fisher @gabbifish

@devonbl Coffee tastes like chocolate juice makes me go fast

weirdCategory: weird
wint @dril

in a rage., i farted into the gamestop cashregister, venting my frustration and rendering the money unusable, paving the way for gold stndrd

weirdCategory: weird
James Herbert @outsidethenba

nba gossip is now called bubble tea

hystericalCategory: hysterical
master general @daveloach2

Blowing past Sisyphus while rolling two enormous boulders up the hill instead of one and flipping him off

weirdCategory: weird
Susan Orlean @susanorlean

Maybe I am drinking too much during THE FUCKING PANDEMIC

famousCategory: famous
Susan Orlean @susanorlean

I am@being shunned by my family because I am drunk. Yes ok I am fine with that FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING FUCKERS

famousCategory: famous
Joyce Carol Oates @JoyceCarolOates

traditionally "Ivy League" refers to the highest quality undergraduate education. Harvard Law, where Dershowitz taught, is not Harvard College & I think that I am correct, but tell me if I am not, that Harvard Law is not, strictly speaking, "Ivy League."

@wagatwe Wagatwe Wanjuki

Alan Dershowitz is proof that ivy league does not equal better, smarter, or more good. Stop expecting better of people because they're affiliated with a centuries-old institution build on money from kidnapping, raping, and enslaving Africans.

famousCategory: famous
Robert Komaniecki @Komaniecki_R

Ludacris: Has starred in the majority of the Fast and the Furious franchise

Mozart: Has never appeared in a F&F movie, possibly did not even own a sports car

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Ian @Ian___Online

Youth Pastor: ...You know who else had a wet ass pussy?

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Alexandria Neonakis @Beavs

upset that i saw this image and immediately started singing this. pic.twitter.com/TKpQBXMkCl

@AJamesMcCarthy Andrew McCarthy

I took an 85 megapixel shot of the moon last night by blending together 24,000 individual image frames. #astrophotography #opteam #space

weirdCategory: weird
Cam @matrixreloaded_

people on here will tweet anything. “Charlie Brown had hoes.” No he didn’t. That isn’t true.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Shiv Ramdas Official Boye Mafia Spokesman @nameshiv

OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao

hystericalCategory: hysterical
dom nero @dominicknero

weird thing for nintendo to announce on mario's 35th anniversary but okay i guess

weirdCategory: weird
rishi @rishipuff

i feel so bad when i overtake an old person on the sidewalk like man i really didn't mean to flex on you with my youthful stride

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Nik @_NikSpace

Bruh I’m sorry, but there is not a single situation where a Baby can where Jeans & I won’t laugh. The fuck is that kid wearing such a serious fabric for Lmao. Baby Legs in jeans look funny as hell, it’s literally inches of Denim. Idk why it’s so funny

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Chuck Grassley @ChuckGrassley

I assumed deer dead bc it was night and no carcas

famousCategory: famous
wint @dril

urine is not sterile. it has piss in it

weirdCategory: weird
Ruby @rubydrummr

I can’t believe I did it. Over 2500 miles on a bicycle, 36 days LMFAO

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Amy @lolennui

Very troubling that the song "Monster Mash" isn't the Monster Mash — it's a song about the Monster Mash, which is not itself heard on the track, and is fundamentally unknowable to us.

weirdCategory: weird
Feminazgûl @feminazgul

dear “posers” who wear our shirts but can’t even name three songs: keep it up. we love you. we appreciate the support. impale the gatekeepers on spears and leave them posted alongside your path as a warning to others.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
cancela lansbury @gossipbabies

Kayleigh McEnany teighsts poseightyve for Coveighd-19

weirdCategory: weird
Astead @AsteadWH

idk why but saying someone engaged in a clownish undertaking feels like a bigger roast than just calling them a clown

@jeneps Jennifer Epstein

Lester Holt presses Biden on calling Trump a "clown." Biden says “I should have said this is a ‘clownish undertaking’ instead of calling him a clown."

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Gators Daily @GatorsDaily

ITS FLAT FUCK FRIDAY YOU FUCKING LOSERS

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Katy Bartzis MEd @kbartzz

Work have been sending this out "to help support our mental health while working from home" and I cannot cope

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Drew Magary @drewmagary

Are YOU Jeffrey Toobin's penis? Please drop us a line! tips@defector.com

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Ryan @rysimmons

last one

dunksCategory: dunks
Meredith Haggerty @meredithaggerty

Generational stereotyping is bad and wrong but it's extremely boomer to be horny at work.

dunksCategory: dunks
Xtian Baal @DomaGhost

Aesthetic

weirdCategory: weird
snowboiiii @snowboiiii

they need to make a movie like ‘joker’ but for waluigi

weirdCategory: weird
Olivia Nuzzi @Olivianuzzi

“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened,” a former White House official told me. “Live. Laugh. Love.”

This person added, “Sometimes you own the libs; sometimes the libs own you.”

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Olivia Craighead @oliviacraighead

alex trebek was proof that you can be a kind person who also bullies nerds, 100% legend

hystericalCategory: hysterical
JP @jpbrammer

if Rudy Giuliani is the lawyer they're going to end up arguing this case in food court

@RudyGiuliani Rudy W. Giuliani

Up early working on PA.

@realDonaldTrump election night 800,000 lead was wiped out by hundreds of thousands of mail in ballots counted without any Republican observer.

Why were Republicans excluded?

Tweet me your guess, while I go prove it in court.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
hodel in the streets, chava in the sheets @mrotzie

For what it's worth, canceling our Thanksgiving celebrations to prevent the spread of COVID gives us a great opportunity to talk to our kids about how entering someone else's home to intentionally spread a deadly disease is foundational to the holiday in the first place.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Ludwig Kietzmann ☕️ @LudwigK

Hi, sorry I haven't responded to your text, video games basically don't have loading screens anymore

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Jimmy @Jimmy_Sherwood

bigots not knowing what a transcriber does is now my lifeblood - this is the 3rd time this has happened, lmfao

dunksCategory: dunks
ava @wownicebuttdude

really overwhelmed by this autofill situation

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Nicole He @nicolehe

unfortunately all twitter users are inherently unloveable, that’s why we are here

@eddievedderNO ivy baggs

have u ever fallen in love with a twitter mutual

weirdCategory: weird
Mahyar Tousi @MahyarTousi

The French Prime Minister struggling to find his glasses despite already wearing them is just the sort of content I needed today

famousCategory: famous
Genie Lauren @MoreAndAgain

Y'all. . . why did my sister just tell me. . .

Marisa Tomei's name is an anagram for "it's-a ME, Mario!"

hystericalCategory: hysterical
JUSTIN CASE YOU'RE SCARED @Heisenherr

The kids asked if they could write “Let It Snow” on the windows... the bottom is what can be seen from the road.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
regular gem @Choplogik

aw man what

weirdCategory: weird
stu @rinbcage

Philip K Dick movies all have names like CORTICAL IMPASSE and are based on short stories called like "Let's See What's Going On Down at the Brain Factory"

hystericalCategory: hysterical
lewis @Lewiswbt1

(DMing a mutual) hey man I'm imagining Dracula saying your latest tweet and it's freaking me out. Could you possibly delete it

hystericalCategory: hysterical
return to reply guy @neoliberal_dad

Some pics from probably the most memorable night of this year for me!

hystericalCategory: hysterical
OffColorDecals @OffColorDecals

Here's a wholesome Christmas Eve post for y'all. The Lego aisle at Target was completely sold out except for one set that, curiously, nobody seemed interested in buying this year: the police station.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Beverly Gooden @bevtgooden

I’ll never forget how my friend, a museum curator, told a guy she’d just met what her job is and he responded with “I’m a curator too.” She asked of what and he said,

“vibes.”

hystericalCategory: hysterical
edburmila.bsky.social @edburmila

Every member of the political class is like “dignity of work” and “get a real job” and then they file these disclosures where they got paid $5 million to sing “Africa” at the annual Raytheon karaoke party

hystericalCategory: hysterical
reni @reniadeb

in england, they don't say i'll kick your ass, they say i'll see you on the

hystericalCategory: hysterical
BAKOON @BAKKOOONN

jake tapper is a real news pussy. you take that back

@Mediaite Mediaite

Trump Campaign’s Jason Miller Calls Jake Tapper ‘A Fake News P*ssy’ After CNN Host Tells Him to Pay His Child Support

hystericalCategory: hysterical
wint @dril

"im not owned! im not owned!!", i continue to insist as i slowly shrink and transform into a corn cob

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Robert Komaniecki @Komaniecki_R

Musicians, if a pianist ever bullies you, just ask them if they can play this

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Jimmy (not one of those) Rothschild(s) @Pale_0ntologist

Excuse me while I write 150,000 words on these two images

hystericalCategory: hysterical
jon ehrens (jehrens.bsky.social) @jwehrens

i can now say this without fear of being murdered: i don't like the phil spector production style that much. too muddy.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Mayor Guy Fieri @GuyFieri

Not me. Us.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Panic! At The TL @Puff_Iya

Is this why my stimulus taking so fucking long? Get yo ass back in those meetings!

@NathyPeluso Nathy Peluso
hystericalCategory: hysterical
TZE CHUN @thetzechun

Post one picture that changed your entire concept of what television could be

hystericalCategory: hysterical
The Gentle Freak @mitchysuch

Instead of becoming a millionaire off GameStop I invested in therapy and became a millionaire in feelings

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Keifer @DannyVegito

it’s been a weird day

hystericalCategory: hysterical
actioncookbook @actioncookbook

GENIE: are you sure you really want to do this?
ME: I’m sure.
GENIE: [sighs] fine. Here’s what it would look like if Guy Fieri had a Wario

@cirnoplusplus cirno++

>This man on Fox News just said that they should “ban social media from talking about short stocks”

hystericalCategory: hysterical
a @bluishorange

how come they didn't have the gunfight at the excellent corral

hystericalCategory: hysterical
San Miguel Sheriff @SheriffAlert

A large boulder the size of a large boulder is blocking the southbound lane Hwy 145 mm28 in Stoner Creek area of Montezuma County. Expect delays. #largeboulder

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Dan Wilbur @DanWilbur

Every photo of Matt Gaetz looks like Jack Nicholson as the Joker when he puts on regular foundation.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Cher @cher

Never Told Story,but Swear It’s True .Have Touchy Neck So Try Things.1. Night I See Kinda Weird Guy Selling Pillows & Order 1. It Was like Sleeping On Rocks,So I Sent It Back.I Thought I Shouldn’t Say Anything.When I Saw Him with trump Still Kept .Now I Don’t Care”Pillow Sucks”

famousCategory: famous
sio @bestinsio

if I were in the stanford prison experiment I’d just stay calm and have fun with it

hystericalCategory: hysterical
lea chin-sang @bigfatmoosepssy

@erinmartina @emokendallroy When God sings with his creations, will a turtle not be part of the choir?

weirdCategory: weird
traitor joe @phoebe_bridgers

you’re telling me edward is a hundred and something year old vampire genius and his favorite song is clair de fucking lune

famousCategory: famous
Rave Sashayed @_sashayed

in ur COVID relationship which of u is the beautiful shut-in who tends the garden and which of u is the nasty little goblin who ventures into town every Tuesday to endure the jeers of townsfolk at the grocery store

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Jose Canseco @JoseCanseco

My beautiful daughter poop love her very much

famousCategory: famous
Adam Friedland @AdamFriedland

Not an anti Vax guy but I won’t be taking the Johnson & Johnson vaccine. I’m not a baby

@kylegriffin1 Kyle Griffin

WASHINGTON (AP) — US clears Johnson & Johnson’s single-dose COVID-19 shot, adding a third vaccine option to the race against the virus.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Gavrilo Princip Loner Folk @IJamEcono

Somehow the Hand Sanitizer Cam at NBA games is hornier than the Kiss Cam

hystericalCategory: hysterical
wint @dril

Can we stop the posts please guys. Can we all cool it with the gags, riffs, spoofs, and epic shit. People are trying to do mental health

weirdCategory: weird
Astead @AsteadWH

The Senate getting bills from the House

hystericalCategory: hysterical
andi zeisler @andizeisler

I know the rhetoric about getting “shots into American arms” is meant to invoke a patriotic can-do spirit but it just makes me wonder what would happen if the vaccine had to be injected into our butts instead

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Anthony Oliveira @meakoopa

almost finished my great masterpiece, which is a spreadsheet of which male singers 1982-2006 were hot enough to be The Guy In The Video or whether The Guy In The Video had to be a different, hotter man

Anthony Oliveira @meakoopa

good news for bryan adams, bad news for phil collins, surprising data for meatloaf

weirdCategory: weird
Paddy Raff @paddyraffcomedy

*reading an article in 30 AD’

‘Meet Jesus, the man who started with NOTHING & built one of the world’s fastest growing religions!’

Me: wow!

*top of paragraph 3*

‘With a little help from his father, God’

Me: fucking knew it

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Kristen Arnett @Kristen_Arnett

waiting for the vaccine like

weirdCategory: weird
Rabbi Mordechai Lightstone  @Mottel

I lol'd
Quarantine Passover

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Ken Klippenstein @kenklippenstein
famousCategory: famous
bear in bethlehem ️ @PADDINGTONROCKS
hystericalCategory: hysterical
Jeremy @jeremythunder

This is art

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Miguel d'Oliveira @MigueldOliveira

My orchestrator told me to add something because the cellos need more support.

Just emailed him back this.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Aaron Ansuini @AaronLinguini

Psychology textbook diagrams never cease to amaze me

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Aaron Ansuini @AaronLinguini

You know in video games, where you choose your dialogue and it’ll lead to different results?

A bird shat on your car.

Choose your dialogue:

“Birds hate me” —> depression

“Birds are inconsiderate pricks” —> no depression

weirdCategory: weird
traitor joe @phoebe_bridgers

hot girl summer implies the existence of cold bitch winter

famousCategory: famous
Michal Shafrir @Miexriir

I asked the nurse giving my vaccine if I could use a bandaid I brought from home and she was like “I don’t see why not” and now she sees why not

hystericalCategory: hysterical
chris awesome @ihavedisease

Birds are just named stuff like Hotbreasted Milf and no one does anything about it

weirdCategory: weird
Science News @ScienceNews

In the desert, an ass hole is a welcome sight for many parched creatures.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Karl Stomberg @KFosterStomberg

The underside of the Washington St bridge has taken a strong anti-NFT stance

hystericalCategory: hysterical
compact pamphlet @luxmberg

your honor that was a bit

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Ron Iver @ronnui_

Having a headache is so embarrassing, like bro you are the one that decides when things hurt just turn it off

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Joe Russell (JoeR@mastodon.design) @Joebob

I think there’s been an accident

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Greg Kelly @gregkellyusa

Everyone busting my CRACKERS over the “pants”—(partially my fault because I called attention to them with the Bugle Boy comment). The truth is, they’re BALMAIN (the most prestigious brand in PANTS)—my shoes are by Ferragamo. Basically, I’m a Sharp Dressed Man. Thank you !

badCategory: bad
rhiannon rings ✨ $5 OF @harlotposting

if they had twitter in england i would be like “NFT? mate there’s no such thing as enough tea ” and mfs would go crazy for it

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Muppet History @HistoryMuppet

Kermit the Frog unrecognizable in The Great Muppet Caper pic.twitter.com/HVd5jC93dE

@nypost New York Post

Leonardo DiCaprio unrecognizable in first photos of new Scorsese film trib.al/nwqpPxP

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Max Gross ☻ @maxgotjokes

this came to me in a vision

weirdCategory: weird
Thinkwert @Thinkwert

( ) I’m in

hystericalCategory: hysterical
lucy ford @lucyj_ford

saying ‘i have money tied up in investments’ to describe having asos returns i haven’t sent back yet

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Andrea More @amore_orless

every swimsuit for women now is like, ok you must feel comfortable showing your entire ass, have absolutely no vulva, and know how to tie the most advanced sailor knot around your torso. also it’s $90 for just the bottoms

hystericalCategory: hysterical
MATERIAL GIRL @materialgirlrap

I literally had a nightmare that everyone on the Internet was doing something called “wiseposting” but I just couldn’t get it right and so people would bombard my replies with the sentence “mmmm, no, very unwise”

weirdCategory: weird
Joe Gabriel Simonson @SaysSimonson

When bitcoin is up the crypto guys I follow are like “new paradigm. The global order is finished. If you were left behind, I hope you own a gun.” And when it’s down they’re either like “wow. Hm.,” or posting meaningless Chinese proverbs like “Every step makes a footprint.”

hystericalCategory: hysterical
¢orie @corietjohnson

sadly i do think my last words will be "not me dying"

hystericalCategory: hysterical
j. oliver rancher esquire @__jackary

??? What the fuck lmao

hystericalCategory: hysterical
PeaceToCombat @FabDLT_

"Eww she fuck the weed man for weed"- a bitch that's fucking the Text man for Texts

hystericalCategory: hysterical
/ Geoff Bisente @GeoffBisente
hystericalCategory: hysterical
I Could’ve Just Sat On In With Massa @WrittenByHanna

Y’all need to go outside and eat some ass or whatever I can’t believe this bee controversy has taken over my TL

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Amy @lolennui

so we’re just powering through hot drunk trainwreck summer without processing all the grief, I love this for us it’s like Hemingway going to the French Riviera after WWI

Amy @lolennui

sorry I didn’t finish Ernie’s biography, that went awesome and ended well right

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Mike Beauvais @MikeBeauvais

Before she left, Naomi Wolf left us with one of the funniest tweets in the history of this garbage site.

dunksCategory: dunks
syd @sydbricks

fight club is just about a guy who made up a guy to get mad at only to realize the guy was himself

hystericalCategory: hysterical
shen the bird @Shen_the_Bird

attorney: [reading my will] my darling wife, to whom i bequeath the totality of my...updog

[whole room groans]

attorney: it says to pause to allow anyone to inquire as to what updog is

weirdCategory: weird
Dan White @atdanwhite

So funny that this ad is not for the shirt. Nothing to do with the shirt. Shirt isn’t even mentioned. We’re just supposed to pretend that’s a normal shirt.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
christine @xtineengels

let the bodies keep the score
let the bodies keep the score
let the bodies keep the score

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Richard Marx @richardmarx

Aww, man. That’s so sweet. How’d the rest of his dentist appointment go?

@JohnSchaech John-a-thon Schaech

@richardmarx my son heard ‘right here waiting’ for first time. Loved it.

famousCategory: famous
ꜳꝛꝍꞥ @TheTarquin

John McAfee didn't even start his career as a drug fueled international fugitive until he was in his 60s. So just remember that it's never too late to chase your dreams.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Nate Silver @NateSilver538

Recently there's been the emergence of a small but distinct group of dudes (mostly) on here whom you might call anti-contrarians.

badCategory: bad
soul nate @MNateShyamalan

in the 90’s, computers would scream every time you went online. that was foreshadowing

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Gus Viveiros @GusVcomic

I’m Boston Sober (an alcoholic)

hystericalCategory: hysterical
austin @ilovefamiIyguy

My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Arielle Nissenblatt (sounds like 'this & that') @arithisandthat

A podcast where parents try to explain what their adult children do for a living

hystericalCategory: hysterical
cal50 @cal50

generations are mostly fake but i have arbitrarily decided that the millennial / gen-z line is whether this joke lands

hystericalCategory: hysterical
lil pom poko jerk @rajandelman

Olympics news is so wild. Every item is like "entire Danish swim team lost in lava pits," or "opening ceremony producer resigns after people recall his history of eating stop signs," or "God begs us to stop"

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Rebecca Alter @ralter

someBODY once told me
the beach was gonna old me

weirdCategory: weird
america's lounge singer @KrangTNelson

remembering the 2012 london olympics when the main storyline of the american athletes was “there’s this one swimmer who is insanely dumb”

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Mike Scollins @mikescollins

two wicked big roads split apaht
and fuckin sorry I could not travel both

weirdCategory: weird
Jason Lipshutz @jasonlipshutz

“Let me make this clear: this is NOT Woodstock ‘99. Fuck all that bullshit.” - Fred Durst before launching into “Break Stuff” at Lollapalooza!

hystericalCategory: hysterical
tanya tagaq @tagaq

Raspberry bidet

hystericalCategory: hysterical
disco in furlough @ThiefOfTweets

Thrilling chase underway

hystericalCategory: hysterical
emo normie @emonormie

“obsessed with these vibes” i say entering a situation so wretched and foul

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Kyle Ramos @Kyle_Ramos

One of the funniest things I’ve ever witnessed was when this strobe light at G1C was malfunctioning and it was terrorizing this guy SPECIFICALLY

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Tashy McTashface @TashP351

My friends daughters hamster has been missing and feared dead for almost 2 weeks now.
Last night she forgot to wash up the paint tray after a day of decorating.
We now think the hamster may still be alive…

earnestCategory: earnest
Shannon Hale @haleshannon

I wasn't feeling well and was lying down in bed. My 10yo was next to me, playing on my phone. I didn't realize she was using it to text my husband, pretending to be me.

earnestCategory: earnest
sarah @sarahrxdriguez

i was a vaccine checker tonight at my venue and i swear to god i’m not fucking with you, one couple came up to me and asked “vaccine for what”…… WHAT DO YOU MEAN VACCINE FOR WHAT

earnestCategory: earnest
abram @abram_facts

i can see why he had to resign

@RiversCuomo Rivers Cuomo

Whenever I start to objectify a woman, I just think about how much her father must love her.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Ryan North 4️⃣ @ryanqnorth

GOOGLE: Of course, sir, here's the download time calculation you requested. But... while Monsieur is here, could he perhaps be interested in a... different kind of data transfer?

hystericalCategory: hysterical
reilly @reillymackay

woke up from an incomprehensible dream where this was the hot new meme

weirdCategory: weird
Cat Manning @catacalypto

sorry but the highest tier of Posting is when there’s a legal record of how you ruined your life by Posting

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Sophia @Richard_Vixen

When y’all got nothing in common but you vibe

hystericalCategory: hysterical
law dog, esq. @ggooooddddoogg

sorry i can’t come into work today the cuban government has used a targeted energy weapon on me producing symptoms identical to a hangover

weirdCategory: weird
Liv @fixyourheartsor

guest rapper on gorillaz song: i been in ends since ten kicking product round the bend, my mum died of tuberculosis i'm slipping into psychosis

Damon Albarn on the chorus: ooooooh flimsy steve, where did you go, what have you seen

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Matthew Gertz @MattGertz

I met Pope Francis in the Vatican yesterday, briefly. I said, “Holy Father, I wrote a lot of good tweets.” He took my name tag in his hands, looked at it, and said, “the Florida congressman who likes young girls?” C’est la vie…

hystericalCategory: hysterical
k e i t h @KeetPotato

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Midge @mxmclain

The body of Christ seasonally spiced

weirdCategory: weird
layla @laylology

yikes, unfollowing him now. i'm a big fan of his paintings, i had no idea he started the war on terror

weirdCategory: weird
Nicki Minaj @NICKIMINAJ

My cousin in Trinidad won’t get the vaccine cuz his friend got it & became impotent. His testicles became swollen. His friend was weeks away from getting married, now the girl called off the wedding. So just pray on it & make sure you’re comfortable with ur decision, not bullied

famousCategory: famous
Rajat Suresh @rajat_suresh

Told nicki Minaj some sensitive info about my testicles. She’s a really good friend so I can trust her not to tell anyone about it

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Ӡ @ihythreat

y’all be scared to double text lmaoo not me ding ding tis i again

hystericalCategory: hysterical
ivan : ) @JoannaNewSum41

69 love songs and none of them pass the bechdel test...

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Tommy Siegel @TommySiegel

i’ve seen a lot of discussion and debate around neutral milk hotel lately, so i just wanted to share this comprehensive guide. i hope this clears things up.

weirdCategory: weird
(band) @bedbugOFFICIAL

They probably should've done Feel Good Inc instead

@TMZ TMZ

Gorillas Perform Oral Sex at Bronx Zoo, Humans Horrified

weirdCategory: weird
@LilNasX

life is so crazy. 5 years ago i used to just sit on twitter in my room all day but now i’m rich and i sit on twitter in my room all day.

famousCategory: famous
Dolly Parton @DollyParton

When her beauty is beyond compare with flaming locks of auburn hair

famousCategory: famous
Usher Raymond IV @Usher

You’re only as good as the company you keep.. this is what 43 looks like for me

famousCategory: famous
Carter Amelia Davis @sweetstench

Stinky Tokens

hystericalCategory: hysterical
James Blunt @JamesBlunt

I could’ve told her that.

famousCategory: famous
ole cunty @Mmm_it_me

@kaaauthor what do you think of our Halloween costume?

hystericalCategory: hysterical
conar @subtoconnorpls

why does he have sweet baby rays bbq on the decorative shelf 2

hystericalCategory: hysterical
mattie kahn @mattiekahn

How am I? I’m reading the corporate bio of Ed Sheeran’s wife on the Deloitte website

hystericalCategory: hysterical
George Hahn @georgehahn

When I first heard of QAnon, I thought it was a support group for women who found out their husbands were gay.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Lindsey Adler @lindseyadler

the stranger next to me at a karaoke bar last night was scrolling a facebook group called “MEN ENJOYING FEET” while waiting for his song to come up, then he sung “under the sea,” which is a song about a mermaid who wishes she had feet

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Jenée @jdesmondharris

Good news: My eye doctor was very impressed that I diagnosed myself with astigmatism based on a meme
Bad news: It’s not quite bad enough to fix with contacts. So I guess I’ll let you know when I’m on the road and you can use caution

hystericalCategory: hysterical
memes @memescentrai

Gen Z Poets are gonna be built differently

hystericalCategory: hysterical
mitch @mitchaiet
weirdCategory: weird
wife of the mind @andrealongchu

i dont like to get political on here but never having had sex doesn't make you a "virgin." getting married in your twenties makes you a virgin

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Jason Scott @textfiles

I've got a tiny subset of friends/previous friends/acquaintances who are looking at NFTs with the inevitable curiosity they display for everything, but the Venn diagram of that group to "would lose weekends huffing nitrous/think microdosing's a neat productivity hack" is a circle

hystericalCategory: hysterical
. @OgCantMiss

@Tripolar_B A classic

hystericalCategory: hysterical
cinnabon enjoyer (ali) @xanabon

you want me to go to a meeting? the thing that killed Julius Caesar?

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Sam Van Hallgren @samvanhallgren

Kudos to the @LandsEnd designer who got this past corporate.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Tony Hawk @tonyhawk

At coffee shop this morning:
Girl behind counter: (not joking) “has anyone told you that you look like Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes, so much that I sometimes write about it.
Her: haha, here’s your coffee
Other girl by exit: (leans toward me as I walk out): “you really do look like him”

famousCategory: famous
James Medlock @jdcmedlock

We should forgive all student debt so we can stop having this discourse

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Bill Grueskin @BGrueskin

Correction of the year.

h/t @sarafischer

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Andrew Unterberger @AUgetoffmygold

11. AXE disavows the Capitol attack

@AXE AXE

We'd rather be lonely than with that mob. AXE condemns yesterday's acts of violence and hate at the Capitol. We believe in the democratic process and the peaceful transition of power.

famousCategory: famous
Viktor Winetrout @Cpin42

Yeah I stole your ape pics. What are you gonna do, draw some police

hystericalCategory: hysterical
arc_elm @arc3lm

@dj_rozwell goblin at night, filled with fright. goblin in morning, its more of a warning

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Richard Karn @TheRichardKarn

I’ve thought long and hard about NFT’s and I’ve decided it’s not something I need to do

famousCategory: famous
Hag (powerfulhag.bsky.social) @PowerfulHag

Japanese writer about to type the funniest two words combined ever: "I'm going to name my character something foreign-sounding"

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Kevin M. Kruse @KevinMKruse
famousCategory: famous
Croix S. Almer @CroixAlmer

i made an algorithm look at 1,000 memes on Twitter and then produce its own, and this is what i got.

i am shaking and crying.
2022 is just beginning, i can't do this. this can't be how 2022 begins.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Jeff Maurer @JeffMightBWrong

Damn...CAPTCHAs getting hard.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Chandler Dean stands with SAG @chandlerjdean

Googling “can I take expired advil,” not liking the results I saw, then adding “be real”

hystericalCategory: hysterical
you gonna wield whatever i pull out of this stone @mind_probiotic

a shrimp? am i to accept, as god's own truth, that the sea's very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?

weirdCategory: weird
once and future wife geist @wife_geist

when someone visibly coughs blood into a handkerchief in a period piece that’s conspicuous consumption

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Rod B @barranr

I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes. Nothing!!

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Threatening Music Notation @ThreatNotation
hystericalCategory: hysterical
gianmarco @GianmarcoSoresi

My girlfriend asked my Alexa to play The Joe Rogan Experience as a joke and that little snitch said "resuming The Joe Rogan Experience"

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Joyce Carol Oates @JoyceCarolOates

when I was first married to my (Jewish) husband two Jewish women friends of mine took me aside & said with wry smiles: "Welcome to the club." soon, I knew what they meant.

famousCategory: famous
Tetrahedron @greenTetra_

theres been a horrible success at the accident factory

weirdCategory: weird
Evan Kindley @evankindley

I can’t stop singing this question to the tune of “What Shall We Do with the Drunken Sailor?”

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Victoria Bekiempis @vicbekiempis

the best part from the #bitcoin laundering presentment is that morgan and lichtenstein allegedly had a bag of cell phones under their bed labeled "burner phones" and 1 of them had a text file named "passport_ideas"

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Matt Patches @misterpatches

"An Extremely Online elder millennial mysteriously receives their Substack newsletters a day early — but can they use the knowledge to save those fated to be Twitter's main character?"

@Variety Variety

‘Early Edition’ Reboot Gets Pilot Order at CBS

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Joe Pepe @jpep20

My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”

Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”

My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”

weirdCategory: weird
knockover.city on bsky @knockovercity

P.O.D.? Nah I don't listen to

hystericalCategory: hysterical
chompie @chompie1337

dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?

hystericalCategory: hysterical
eve6 @Eve6

one cool thing about spotify is you can still listen to your favorite problematic artists and they won’t make any money

famousCategory: famous
Suresh Singaratnam @sureshtrumpet

Same energy #SOTU2022

hystericalCategory: hysterical
ange postercoglou @CeBeGeBess

you gotta respect the art form

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Peter Liakhov @peterliakhov

A snapshot of the Russian economy: an investment expert goes live on air and says his current career trajectory is to work as "Santa Claus" and then drinks to the death of the stock market. With subtitles.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Tom MacWright @tmcw

interviewer, looking at resume: i see no gaps here, you must be burned out as fuck
job candidate: yes

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Kanye West @kanyewest

I hate when I'm on a flight and I wake up with a water bottle next to me like oh great now I gotta be responsible for this water bottle

famousCategory: famous
Mike Tyson @MikeTyson

I don’t understand why people would want to get rid of pigeons. They don’t bother no one.

famousCategory: famous
The Broletariat @Scholf_A_Loaf

“Spotify’s down? What am I supposed to listen to now?“

Women, my brother.

weirdCategory: weird
pragun @pragdua

electricity went out and i had a small meltdown at work today

hystericalCategory: hysterical
abdullah says CEASEFIRE NOW @AShihipar

screaming at this painting of the March family of little women enjoying dunkin in the concord dunkin

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Abigail Edwards @Writing_Abigail

My husband ordered bees.

20,000 bees.

The postal service has lost his order.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
tracy clayton jr the 3rd @brokeymcpoverty

three 6 mafia went to the oscars slapped not a SINGLE person

hystericalCategory: hysterical
︎︎ ︎ @jrvsscarlet

Be careful out there everyone. I had 2 Morbius tickets in my car and someone broke in and left 4 more.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Lauren Kaori Gurley @LaurenKGurley

I just spoke to Chris Smalls, president of Amazon Labor Union, outside NLRB in Brooklyn about the fact that the union is leading Amazon 738-600.

He said of Amazon’s lawyers in the vote count room “I love watching them squirm. They’re drinking mad water.”

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Walter Hickey @WaltHickey

I want you meet my hero, the person who complained to the FCC about ABC yanking the closed caption feed during the Will Smith-Chris Rock altercation meaning they were not able to understand what the hell happened.

insider.com/fcc-complaints…

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Dan E @Brohamulet

Absolutely insane choice for a name

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Matt Burnell @mdburnell

That is a really specific category but I suppose someone had to win it.

@THR The Hollywood Reporter

Louis C.K. Wins Grammy for First Special Since Sexual Misconduct Allegations

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Apex Redditor @ebenbenson

I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Stefan Bondy @SbondyNBA

Kevin Durant told he hasn't lost to the Knicks since 2013. He pumps his fists:

"I got something to talk about on twitter now."

famousCategory: famous
wint @dril

thanks all. together weve raised over $63 for raytheon to develop a brand new ITAS that can shoot down enemy prayers before they reach God .

weirdCategory: weird
Marie Bardi-Salinas @mariebardi

Al’s headphones continue to be iconic, but I need a full investigation on whatever the fuck is supposed to be on his iPhone case

Lara_ @katepenniman

@mariebardi hope this helps :)

famousCategory: famous
BBC Politics @BBCPolitics

Lord Pickles apologises for getting the number of people who died in the Grenfell Tower fire wrong while giving evidence

famousCategory: famous
Cullen Crawford @HelloCullen

cops keep pulling me over and begging me to have sex with their partners

weirdCategory: weird
images_ai @images_ai

"a face you always see in dreams"

#CompVis pic.twitter.com/2RbOh2fUxC

@JoelPinheiro85 Joel Pinheiro

@images_ai Nice!

Could you do “that face you always see in dreams”?

weirdCategory: weird
Heather McGhee @hmcghee

Everything.

famousCategory: famous
Biz Stone @biz

What’s next? (It’s always something!)

badCategory: bad
emma barrie @emmabarrie

Too much body positivity on my feed. Humans are disgusting. Skin is gross. We have so many holes. There’s a skeleton inside. Uncomfortable just seeing one of us in public.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Chuck Grassley @ChuckGrassley

Grassley to Beth: Sunday we hv our Easter family gathering are u ready to roll ?

Beth to GRASSLEY’ “ready 10/4” Beth is my old faithful vacuum cleaner

hystericalCategory: hysterical
The Caffeinated Therapist @bellabee13

“Bless me Father for I have sinned. I can’t stop thinking about the barenaked ladies.”

Priest: “And how long has it been since your last confession?”

“It’s been…”

hystericalCategory: hysterical
zach silberberg supports SAG-AFTRA @zachsilberberg

i know exactly how i want to die. i want to get hit by the carpool karaoke car so james corden will have to stop doing it

dunksCategory: dunks
CN Tower / Tour CN @TourCNTower

Tonight the #CNTower will be lit blue for Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) Awareness Month / Ce soir la #TourCN sera illuminée en bleu pour le Mois de sensibilisation au syndrome du colon irritable

famousCategory: famous
I'm on bluesky now @InternetHippo

to my crying infant: please stop trauma dumping

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Silvia Killingsworth @silviakillings

I wonder what the fridge thinks of Joe Kahn

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Alex Dobrenko @Dobrenkz

therapist: whats your attachment style?
me: I dunno...pdf?

hystericalCategory: hysterical
socialist sopranos memes @gabagoolmarx

It’s called emotional labor, T. It used to mean you had to smile at work or something but now a bunch a online weirdos say it means you don’t gotta be a good friend to someone no more.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
eve6 @Eve6

just had an interviewer ask me if it was “hard for us to be referred to as a nineties band” and i’m kicking myself for not saying life is hard and so am i

famousCategory: famous
◤◢◤◢◤◢◤◢ @monosynth

bats playing the long game

@RollingStone Rolling Stone

Ozzy Osbourne has tested positive for Covid-19, but "he's OK," Sharon says.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
drew scott @DrewciferScott

i’m a bitch, i’m a lover, i’m a…

@WeirdMedieval weird medieval guys BOOK OUT NOVEMBER 2!!

cat churning butter, germany, ca. 12th century

weirdCategory: weird
dylan @spiritnght2

my boss denied me a raise before my shift today. what’s some music you have never wanted to hear in a coffee shop?

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Law Boy @The_Law_Boy

it is time to make roe v. wade permanent by putting it on the blockchain

hystericalCategory: hysterical
trash jones @jzux

imagine your roommate eats the plums you were saving for breakfast and then writes a bitchy little poem talking about how good they were. and then it becomes one of the most famous poems of all time

hystericalCategory: hysterical
James Greig @jamesdgreig

Me: oh, the coco pops monkey *definitely* has he/they energy

My mum: your cousin just bought a house

hystericalCategory: hysterical
George Greenwood @GeorgeGreenwood

My dad has just described my parents new car as being “too woke” because it warns you of upcoming obstacles…

hystericalCategory: hysterical
sean @_sn_n

A FaceApp morph of all Supreme Court justices since 1980

weirdCategory: weird
jxf@mastodon.social @jxxf

Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
frog "Philip K. Dickgirl" kosaric @yurirando

the other day i did a bunch of whippets and was struck by the fact i didn't know anything about which important romans, or indeed any historical figures, were fat. this is what i said to my friend about it

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Alyssa Limperis @alyssalimp

I get so proud when the roomba runs out of charge and makes it’s way back to the charging station like yes girl self care!!

hystericalCategory: hysterical
gryphoneer.bsky.social @OneRadChee

why did the crypto crash happen?

bitcoin turned 13, and libertarians lost interest

hystericalCategory: hysterical
坪倉輝明@メディアアーティスト @kohack_v

俺が牛乳を注ぐ女だ。

#Blender #Unity

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Sara K. Runnels @omgskr

You want me to get a husband???The thing that killed everyone on Dateline???

hystericalCategory: hysterical
make up a guy @makeupaguy

guy who pronounces LGBT as "el jibbity"

hystericalCategory: hysterical
trash jones @jzux

ask not what your country can do for you. they literally won’t do it

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Arby’s Provocateur @SamGrittner

When I retweet myself

weirdCategory: weird
MIAMI BAHE @brian_bahe

Pride month taught me it was ok to be a corporation

hystericalCategory: hysterical
slate @PleaseBeGneiss

it’s a hard pill to swallow but i think we need to accept that our lives just won’t be same again. the risk will never be zero. we will always be on the verge of another morbius release

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Rachel Sanders @rachelysanders

i love how in the winter my personal goals are like “change careers” and “find meaning in life” and then in summer literally just “look hot” and “go swimming”

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Connor C. @ConnorColson

Too many of you were told as kids you'd make a great lawyer without realizing that adult was calling you a dick.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
leon @leyawn

the ai art thing is fake. i’m the guy who has to draw all the requests like the chess player inside the mechanical turk. you’re torturing me. i spend every waking hour drawing shit like “joe biden asuka wedding” and “donkey kong nuremberg trials” please stop. i need to sleep

weirdCategory: weird
shen the bird @Shen_the_Bird

girlfriend: now don't start weird conversations with my dad tonight

me: fine

[later]

me: [immediately] ah rugs, the coward's carpet

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Amy @lolennui

oh we’re in a “bear market”?? well I think we’re in a platypus store. that’s what you sound like. that’s you.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
JJ Watt @JJWatt

you might want to think about intercepting some profits sometime soon… pic.twitter.com/N68BXLZe8u

@DraftKings DraftKings

Intercepted

famousCategory: famous
Nicole @quietbutjudgy

@alexanderchee oh no! Not totally the same, but my mom read my diary and stole a couple of lines I wrote about losing my virginity and put it in her e-sig on her Sims erotica website. It was there for YEARS before I found it.

weirdCategory: weird
Alana Herrnson @aperiplatypus

I really don’t know what to say about my hotel room view

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Hi I’m Solomon @solomonmissouri

Lucifer was the Angel of light… could be his… we should make abortions widely available just to be sure

@BLovaney TheyAreEliminatingU

@_TopOfTheLine__ @Fogle4MO @solomonmissouri Did you know a light emits from the joining of the sperm and egg? If that isn't the light of God, I don't know what is

hystericalCategory: hysterical
gal pacino @snailfraud

sending friends tweets I think they might like is the same thing as those crows that leave little gifts of bottle caps and string

hystericalCategory: hysterical
mel @yourpalmel

Literaleigh is a beautiful name for a girl ❤️

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Ben Rosen @ben_rosen

and on top of everything else gru is about to rise

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Kenny Ducey @KennyDucey

This is legitimately one of the funniest things I've ever seen (via @connorwitt)

hystericalCategory: hysterical
amelia elizalde @ameliaelizalde

[nancy pelosi email voice] GRU is RISING. can I count on you for $15?

hystericalCategory: hysterical
leon @leyawn

jordan peterson got suspended on here for misgendering someone then he posted a fifteen minute video crying about how pride is a sin and that he’s banned from twitter and that he’d rather die than correct it. so basically to me he's like socrates,

famousCategory: famous
Big Joel @biggestjoel

i didn't "watch" the rise of gru i sat my white ass down and LISTENED

weirdCategory: weird
kevo @KevB123

July 4th shouldn’t be celebrated as a pro-American holiday. It should be celebrated as it was intended. As an anti-British holiday

hystericalCategory: hysterical
stoned cold fox @roastmalone_

due to the increase in gas prices a man hanging from the passenger side of his best friend’s ride is no longer a scrub, he is a man making smart financial decisions and I’m intrigued

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Brad Wetherell @BradWetherell

Doing teletherapy from your childhood home is kind of like “reporting to you live from the scene of the accident”

hystericalCategory: hysterical
AparnaRC @Wordesse

"You have a Master's degree", I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.

hystericalCategory: hysterical
the prince with a thousand enemies ♂️ @jaketropolis

Yes, Your Holiness. The Anglican and the Shintoist have been dealt with. No, Your Holiness, the public still believes me to be senile.

weirdCategory: weird
Natalie @jbfan911

The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person

hystericalCategory: hysterical
shen the bird @Shen_the_Bird

wikipedia: please. please just give me one dollar i'm begging you give me anything

me: [trying to look up the hamburglar's full name] shut the fuck up

hystericalCategory: hysterical
j aubrey @jaubreyYT

What the fuck am I looking at

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Al Yankovic @alyankovic

Hey! Stay in your lane!

@Alanis Alanis Morissette

and I’m here, to remind you of the grass you left when you went away…

famousCategory: famous
jillkrajewski.bsky.social @JillKrajewski

it's here–the deepest, sharpest infrared view of the universe to date

hystericalCategory: hysterical
ethan @ethanisdoomed

Blame it all on my roots… I showed up in croots

hystericalCategory: hysterical
shanley @shanley

oh, everyone let elon just be sick and just get sicker and sicker and sicker and now you're upset about this?

btw bipolar people often cheat with friends, their wives, their colleagues when manic, it is called hypersexuality and it is extremely well understood and documented

badCategory: bad
zach silberberg supports SAG-AFTRA @zachsilberberg

no way. no fucking way

weirdCategory: weird
trash jones @jzux

i am not having a baja blast i am actually kind of having a baja hard time

hystericalCategory: hysterical
Brooks Otterlake @i_zzzzzz

Some of todays husbands would rather listen to Kid A than take care of A Kid

hystericalCategory: hysterical
my name is lewis @twentylifetimes

the chicago style hot dog implies the existence of the mla style hot dog

hystericalCategory: hysterical