If you haven't watched the Glamour Awards before, don't feel bad — they are pretty much the equivalent of paper plate awards given out by a camp counselor who spent the entire summer getting high in the woods. Notable missteps include honoring Kelly Osburne for her achievements as a Theatre Actress (this was either pure imagination or just really prescient shade) in 2008, the fact that in 2014 there was a "Man of the Year" but no "Woman of the Year" at a women's award show, and the existence of various awards #sponsored by #hair #products. It's unfortunate mostly because the idea of an awards ceremony specifically for amazing women in various fields is an idea that truly does not suck.
But then, Amy Schumer took the stage at Glamour's 13th annual Women of the Year awards to accept their inaugural "Trailblazer Award," cuss out a whole lot of people and, in effect, give us a reason to even watch the show. As you might expect, her speech seemed unrehearsed, concerned no less than three types of bodily discharge, and was very loving towards Goldie Hawn. A triumph on all fronts.
Schumer is best known for her Comedy Central show Inside Amy Schumer, which regularly tears down ridiculous beauty standards for women set by the media and sexism in the entertainment industry. In her speech, she addressed the same, proclaiming "I'm probably like 160 pounds right now and I can catch a dick whenever I want. Like, that's the truth. It's not a problem," then proceeding to drop this gem about her childhood:
I didn't lose my two front teeth until I was in fifth grade, which is late. And that very same week I got my period, which is early. So, I was just like this jack o'lantern with tits walking around. And I had one of those moms who was like ‘you don't need to shave above your knees.'
After noticing that many of the men in the audience were "not even remotely smiling," Schumer shrugged and offered, "I don't live here [in London], I don't even care." Like, I said, a triumph on all fronts.
Also my favorite non-Destiny's Child girl band of all time had a really nice night, and I'm so happy for them: