Celebrate Jeff Bezos’ big day out to space with a $69 miniature dick rocket

Capitalism is all about fairly distributing wealth based on hard work and personal merit, which is why Jeff Bezos earns in 20 seconds what the median US worker makes in a year. He’s just that much better than you!

Thankfully, Jeff’s also a super sweet guy who’s totally grounded and knows how to use his wealth to help people. For example, he spent billions taking a tourist trip into space on a dick-shaped rocket which I personally found to be very chill. Sure, some people say the trip was a huge vanity project; a colossal pissing-contest between egotistical, morally blind billionaires whose pocket change could save countless human lives with just as much intrinsic value as their own, but to that I say: stop being such a bummer, dude!!

The Blue Origin New Shephard rocket model: yours for $69.99.
Image: Estes model

If, like me, you want to celebrate Mr Bezos’ Big Day Out to Space, then I have just the thing for you: a 1/66th scale model of the New Shephard rocket with a pricetag of $69.99. Yes, that’s right: it’s a miniature dick-rocket that costs $69, which means the noise you can hear right now is the invisible hand of the market making jerk-off motions behind your back.

And okay, so while I’m obviously not personally jazzed by the vast wealth inequalities that Jeff Bezos embodies, I definitely am still a nerd who thinks rockets and space are very cool. And for that reason it’s my duty to point out that Estes Rockets makes all kind of models that you can equip with little ballistic packs and fire into the air, which seems like a very fun way to spend an afternoon. I mean, the rockets even have little parachutes built into the nose-cones that deploy mid-air to float them down safely for god’s sake! That’s brilliant.

The Blue Origin rocket (which we spotted via Gizmodo) costs $69.99 by itself, but you can also pay $109.99 for a full starter set including launch pad, controller, and a pack of single-use engines. The rocket’s coming out November 1st but you can preorder now. It’s almost certainly the nearest you’ll get to going to space like Jeff.


Does it vibrate like a real rocket, when it starts pushing into space?

My girl never understands me when I yell Max Q has been reached when we’re using toys

Cli-max Q

This thing will see more action if its only sold in adult stores.

It doesn’t need a billionaire to vibrate

came here to ask this.

You beat me to the "but does it vibrate?" comment!

No, but it shoots something white before going down.

(Spoiler: it’s a parachute.)

The logo of the brand looks like it reads "TESTES"

We’ve been to space; next stop: Uranus.

Yeah, that’s a penis


Truly a missed opportunity.

Good thing OnlyFans decided to keep adult content.

I’m NOT a Bezos fan, he sucks, but I don’t understand all the Blue Origin / Dick comparisons. It’s a rocket. That’s what they all look like!

However selling the model for $69 sounds like an Elon Musk move. Jeff is now copying Elon on numbers. Be your own person Jeff.

Him going to space was almost entirely spurred by Elon. He feels happy knowing he beat Elon to space, completely misunderstanding the grandness of Elon’s ambition. Elon has already shuttled people to the space station. If Elon really wanted to go he could have, but instead he decided to send real astronauts.


just take a look at that tip for gods sake! I kno Falcons have a girthy tip too, but its somehow better proportioned to not make the whole thing look like a huge schlong

Yeah. It is true that most rockets are at least somewhat phallic, but man oh man look at that thing.

Can’t fault Estes for making a proper scale reproduction, though.

I’m not sure you’ve seen a dick then. Because that absolutely looks like a mushroom dick at the top. Vs other admittedly phallic rockets that don’t have a dickhead at the top.

Supposedly this is because the "head" capsule is sized for a normal mission while the shaft was sized for sub-orbital – hence the reduced girth.

You’re not making it sound any less voyeuristic

Umm…this one definitely looks more like a dick than any other rocket I’ve seen.

If your dick looks like a Saturn V you may want to see a doctor.

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