Late last night I accidentally fell head over heels down an endless internet hole — far deeper than I have been in some time. Naturally, the expedition began when I reverse-image-searched a picture of Michael Keaton in Mr. Mom. From there, I found a link promising the "best jokes sites on the internet," made by "a big jokes fan" who has "looked around a few sites in my time." Things get a little fuzzy after that, but I know I landed somewhere in the past, in a dark underworld of the internet called The Nightmare Affiliate Link Hellscape of World Wide Web Content.
Warning: the links you are about to click contain high-quality internet content and may be shocking to some surfers.
I am live surfing the web, take my hand— tc (@chillmage) November 19, 2014
If you're unfamiliar with the World Wide Web, imagine this: with just one click of a mouse button connected to your personal computer, you can visit all of your favorite books and concerts and chill hang out spots. Each of those chill hang out spots is known as a Web Site. Web Sites are great for all kinds of things, including:
- Dog quotes
- Dog proverbs
- Dog sayings
- Dog poetry
- Dog movies
- Dog facts
- Advertise here
Many of these Web Sites are created by privately owned Internet Media companies. One of those companies is Australian Media Pty Ltd. According to the Australian Media Web Site, "AustralianMedia.com is the largest non-publicly listed Australian Internet Publisher with more than 200 developed Domain Name Web Sites." Of course this includes "more than 200 in our Gambling Network alone."
It's not all about gambling, though. Are you a woman? Then you are in luck, because Australian Media Dot Com is pleased to provide Womens Dot Net: "The Women's Network." The Women's Network is "a starting point for Women's issues and lifestyle," which is obvious because of the quote at the top of the Web Site:
"O woman! lovely woman! Nature made thee to temper man: we had been brutes without you."
Because it is a useful website, Womens.net "offers many ideas and reviews of new products, services and ideas," including a Target shopping widget that allows women to shop at the Target store on Amazon.com.
If you are a grandparent instead of a woman, then you can visit Grandparents Dot Net. Incidentally, Grandparents.net appears to have a shared agenda with Womens.net. Both Web Sites want to tame the world of men using big blockquotes:
"If you would civilize a man, begin with his grandmother."
If you would like to buy a gift for a grandparent instead of civilizing them, Grandparents.net recommends all kinds of gifts that you can click here and buy on Amazon.com.
But maybe you're not a woman or a grandparent. Maybe you're a teen. In that case, you're looking for Teenagers.net, the "Teenager's Network." According to Teenagers.net, "teenagers or adolescents are juveniles between the onset of puberty and maturity usually in the age group aged 13-19." Teenagers love Amazon.com links.
I visited all of Australian Media's network of websites last night, including Mens.net, Womens.net, Mothers.net, Fathers.net, Grandparents.net, Teenagers.net, Santas.net, EasterBunnys.net, JackOLanterns.net, FatherTimes.net, HarvestFestivals.net, and BirthdayCelebrations.net. Every one of these sites is a strand in a spider's web that was built to trap surfers in an online casino.
I miss this kind of internet. There's just something simple and earnest in it, even if it's essentially one big menagerie of dad jokes and copypasta built on a foundation of casino websites. Even Dogquotes.com, which was built solely to drive traffic to money-making schemes, has more character than faceless corporate social media empires built by hundreds of engineers: websites like Facebook and Twitter that are designed to efficiently ferry advertising content to as many eyeballs as possible while trying their hardest to conceal their commercial underwire. Dogquotes.com offers no Monthly Active User (MAU) statistics; its owner doesn't talk to us about "eccentric circles" of engagement. It's just dog quotes.
Fortunately these websites are still out there, like abandoned New York City subway stations where ghost trains endlessly search for forgotten passengers.
It was about 1:30 in the morning when I finally made it to Dog quotes Page 18. It is a great Dog quotes page and includes many Dog quotes which are also Dog jokes. I am glad that the webmaster of this Web Site clearly indicated that this content is NEW.
If there's one thing to remember, it's this: "money will buy a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."
I wonder if you can buy a dog on Amazon.com.