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Finally, proof that the Kool-Aid man could actually break through a wall

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Brands spend a lot of time desperately grasping for our attention, but sometimes they leave us with burning questions without even trying. "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop?" "Are there really 1,000 chips in every bag?" Now, an answer is finally being posited for one of the biggest unsolved mysteries: could the Kool-Aid Man actually break through a brick wall?

Jake Roper, a contributor to the YouTube channel VSauce, says that, oh yeah — he can. Roper estimates that if the Kool-Aid Man were brought up to the scale represented in the iconic ads, he would measure about 6 feet tall, have a dry weight of almost 6,000 pounds (11,000 pounds when filled with Kool-Aid), and his glass frame would measure 3.6 inches thick. Glass, he argues, can withstand pressure 469 times that of our atmosphere. Since that's well past the strength needed to obliterate brick and mortar, the massive red mascot would only need to move at an "average running pace" to break through.

Kool-Aid Man

Once the wall-crushing analysis is done, Roper does take one huge liberty in assuming that the beverage that fills the Kool-Aid Man serves as his blood. Considering he contains no visible cardiovascular system, it's hard to imagine why the Kool-Aid Man would even need blood, and that's without even considering that he's a 6-foot-tall sentient pitcher made of glass that defies all conventions of what we call life. Also, I really don't want to think of it as drinking the Kool-Aid Man's blood.

That part aside, I will now spend the rest of my week daydreaming about the realism of the behaviors of other cartoonish brand representatives:

  • Are marshmallows light enough that a leprechaun could glide through the air on them?
  • Could elves actually perform a massive baking operation in a tree without burning the whole thing down?
  • How far could a toy bunny really go on one Energizer battery?