I'm told the video above, a choreographed dance routine set to Justin Bieber's "What Do You Mean?" is "the world's first premium conceptual Segway dance YouTube video." (These aren't actually Segways, for the record.) I have no idea if it's actually the world's first, but I can promise you that it's both premium and conceptual. And that's where my knowledge ends; there is more, so much more, I don't understand.
That's why I'm posing the questions below: I'm hoping that you, loyal readers of The Verge, can help me get a handle on the line between stupid and genius, a line across which this video sends five hands-free scooter things piloted by a horde of fine young gentlemen.
- Is the contemplative black-and-white texting sequence that opens this video soundtracked by Bieber's other huge 2015 hit, "Where Are Ü Now"?
- Where's the dance cover of "Where Are Ü Now"? Is that still in the works?
- Why does our lead dancer / ostensible protagonist leave his phone on a random table as he rolls out of his seat?
- Have you ever found yourself so befuddled and hurt by a series of texts that you couldn't take your phone with you to your motorized dance practice?
- Do you remember the moment where you finally left your youth behind? Was it the year all of the professional athletes drafted were born a year after you? Was it the time you visited your high school and didn't recognize anyone (not even the teachers)? Was it the second you clicked play on the world's first premium conceptual Segway dance YouTube video?
- Where do all of these guys shop? Is there a Justin Bieber surplus store I don't know about?
- Is it really a "cover" if you're not actually contributing any music or vocals to your interpretation of the song? Are "dance covers" a thing?
- What kind of core exercises should I do to build the kind of strength and flexibility it takes to dance on one of these without falling off or swerving?
- Can you actually feel your first grey hair sprouting from your scalp if you concentrate hard enough? What about the onset of hereditary pattern baldness? Can either of these processes be accelerated by watching the world's first premium conceptual Segway dance YouTube video?
- Did they feel woozy or off-balance when they all stepped off of their vehicles to dance on their feet? I felt a little woozy just watching it.
- Why did he need so much help jumping off of his scooter at 1:59? Did all the dancing leave him that exhausted?
- How did the chair, phone, and keyboard thing move to a completely different spot in this weirdo garage in just two minutes?
- Is two minutes of hands-free scooter dancing really all our hero needed to get over the heartbreak he was suffering? Is there an uplifting string of emoji waiting for him?
- Is there a word for that moment where you realize you're probably not going to do anything special with your life? The way it slowly dawns on you that you're probably never going to win an Oscar or run a company or move into that Paris loft? The day you finally accept that you'll spend the rest of your waking hours attempting to find significance in the quotidian, the mundane, the reliable pleasure of a glass of wine with dinner or the light in your loved ones' eyes?
- What do you call it when you know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that you'll never star in a premium conceptual Segway dance YouTube video of your own?
- What do you mean?
The video was choreographed and directed by David Moore, and it stars Josh Killacky, Evan Moody, Alex Ditommaso, Damien Lavergne, and Jake Deanda; they should all be celebrated for their efforts. I hope you enjoyed watching it.