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Everything wrong with Game of Thrones Monopoly

Do not pass go, do not commit heinous acts of violence

To think, there was a time when Game of Thrones merchandising was something of a rarity. That was ages ago; HBO's venerable and violent drama has been a runaway success, and with it comes more than 80 Game of Thrones licensees. There's even a series of books!

The biggest addition to the Game of Thrones merchandise catalog this year is the official Game of Thrones Monopoly, which is coming next month. I have some concerns:

  1. There's free parking — probably because there are no cars.
  2. In lieu of murder and / or mutilation, a grump, blue uniform-clad cop will put you in jail.
  3. No nudity, a Game of Thrones staple.
  4. The dragon egg token lands on House Targaryen but never turns into a dragon.
  5. ... on a related note, the White Walker token roams free without anyone batting an eye and without first buying the Wall.
  6. ... also, a direwolf can own property. Maybe that's not a problem so much as a potential spoiler.
  7. Winterfell is the third most expensive property in the game (300) behind only Braavos (350) and King's Landing (400). Have you seen Winterfell lately?
  8. Every player has a stipend. Survive long enough, and you'll definitely get paid fairly.
  9. Game of Thrones Monopoly has a single, unified currency from the Iron Bank of Braavos.
  10. There is no mechanism for winning through violence.

Thus, we already know the winner of Game of Thrones Monopoly: capitalism. C.R.E.A.S.K. — Cash Rules Everything Around (the) Seven Kingdoms. There's no point to play anymore. Let me know if Game of Thrones Risk ever becomes a thing. (Update: Thank you all for letting me know that Game of Thrones Risk is now actually a thing.)

(My colleague Adi Robertson has already provided the best counterpoint: both Game of Thrones and Monopoly can drag on forever, and you feel disgusted with humanity by the time you're finished.)

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