Christian Grey's birthday is next week, and E.L. James had planned the perfect birthday present for him — another violently misogynistic book in the Fifty Shades of Grey series, but this time told from his perspective! A truly thoughtful gift.

Everything was going according to plan — the hypothetical cake was ordered, the imaginary printers were being mentally cursed out for accidentally sending an e-vite to Christian's mother (aka "the crack whore," as she is referred to exclusively), and a toast to the fictitious birthday boy's super sensual emotional abuse prowess had been faux-penned.

Until a copy of the raison d'être was stolen by a malicious criminal mastermind who I am currently envisioning as either Melissa McCarthy channeling Last Crusade-era Sean Connery or Sean Connery channeling The Bling Ring-era Emma Watson.

The security around the book, readers will be disturbed to discover, was actually substantially less than that for the Declaration of Independence, which is kept under bulletproof glass and constant watch, or even the lesser-known Act to Establish Yellowstone National Park, which is kept in a file cabinet. In fact, it seems that there was really no security at all, and Christian's birthday gift was swiped out of the publicly accessible building from which Random House conducts business.

O, the make-believe reaming out that was given to the guilty unmanned table for not emitting lasers or triggering the release of giant boulders!

Kent police are investigating, of course, and hope to both find the thief and recover the missing copy before excerpts are sold to the media or released online, but it's not clear to me why they aren't pressing charges on the table for failure to protect a priceless cultural artifact.