Here's the scenario. You're sportsball superstar Tom Brady. You're a four-time Super Bowl Champion and three-time Super Bowl MVP with the New England Patriots. You also happen to be a central figure in the high-profile sportsball drama known as "DeflateGate." NFL investigators would like to see text messages between you and Patriots personnel, but you're not having that. You're Tom Brady, dammit, and last you checked, the NFL didn't have the jurisdiction to request the data from your carrier. But saying no isn't enough, so you destroy the phone.
That's what happened, according to a statement from the NFL today (see update below). Notably, it doesn't say how he destroyed his phone. One thing's for sure: a man like Touchdown Tom doesn't do things the easy way. Let's imagine all the ways in which the famed quarterback could have destroyed it:
- Brady smashes it with his Super Bowl XLIX MVP trophy.
- Brady throws an all-star Hail Mary pass into a brick wall.
- Brady watches a "Will it Blend?" video, orders a Blendtec Total Blender from Amazon, waits 3-5 days for delivery, unboxes the blender, and then smashes the phone with the base of the blender.
- Brady uses his charm to convince the phone that self-destruction is the best course of action for everyone.
- Brady checks Twitter from his phone while taking a shower.
- Brady smashes it with his Super Bowl XXXVI MVP trophy.
- Brady calls Patriots kicker Stephen Gostkowski to come over and hang out. Gostkowski finds the front door open and Brady nowhere to be found. On the kitchen table is a box with "For Stephen" written in sharpie. Inside the box, Gostkowski finds Brady's cellphone, a pair of steel toed boots, and an unsigned note that simply reads, "You know what to do."
- Brady gently places the phone behind the rear wheel of his Bugatti Veyron and then drives over it.
- Brady leaves the phone in his pocket and jumps in a pool.
- Brady travels to the High Hrothgar monastery, uses his charm to convince the ancient Greybeards to teach him the the ways of Thu'um, or "the Voice." Brady returns from his travels, goes into the backyard, stands before his phone, closes his eyes, focusing on all that he has learned, and with the words "Fus Ro Dah" releases an unrelenting force that utterly decimates the mobile device.
- Brady smashes it with his Super Bowl XXXVII trophy.
Update: In a statement about Brady's four-game suspension (still in effect), the NFL alleges that Brady did, in fact, destroy his phone (via SB Nation):
"On or shortly before March 6, the day that Tom Brady met with independent investigator Ted Wells and his colleagues, Brady directed that the cell phone he had used for the prior four months be destroyed. He did so even though he was aware that the investigators had requested access to text messages and other electronic information that had been stored on that phone. During the four months that the cell phone was in use, Brady had exchanged nearly 10,000 text messages, none of which can now be retrieved from that device. The destruction of the cell phone was not disclosed until June 18, almost four months after the investigators had first sought electronic information from Brady."