clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

TL;DR

Donald Trump and other people who want to be king of America, ranked

Which candidate would you eat a corndog with?

John Moore/Getty Images

By one conservative estimate, there are 21 people in the running for president of the United States. Of those, 16 are Republicans. There are so many candidates, The New York Times had to run a piece called "Who is running for president?" This poses a problem for responsible voters — there just aren't enough hours in the week to get to know all these people. But The Verge is here to help.

Fortunately we have monolithic algorithms that can reduce human beings to sortable bits of metadata. We are pleased to provide voters with this ranking of 2016 presidential candidates based on our proprietary Verge Electability Score™: a 100-point score based on an arbitrary qualitative analysis of Google Image Search's recommended related topics. For instance, here's what we see when searching for the incumbent, President Barack Obama:

obama

Obama, as a two-term president, receives an electability score of 200 / 100.

The Democrats

Lincoln Chafee

chafee

Keywords: FAMILY, 2015, 2016

Who is Lincoln Chafee? We're not sure. He appears to be the only member of his family, and it's difficult to know in which year he's actually running for president. As far as we know there's no 2015 presidential election. Highly unelectable.

Electability Score: 5.6 / 100

Martin O'Malley

omalley

Keywords: FAMILY, POLAR BEAR, ABS

Maryland has never produced a US president, but that might change very soon. Martin O'Malley makes a strong showing out of the gate — look at that beautiful family! look at those abs! — and we're ready to say that he's the dark horse in the Democratic race. Is America ready for a hot president?

Electability Score: 88.3 / 100

Bernie Sanders

sanders

Keywords: QUOTES, 2016, SOCIALIST

Bernie Sanders is the current liberal darling of the Democratic field, and receives a small boost in our ranking for strong performance in image macros. However, he receives a substantial penalty for forcing voters to read.

Electability Score: 32.1 / 100

Joe Biden

biden

Keywords: YOUNG, TATTOO, FAMILY

You might think Joe Biden could be the young cool guy president, but check it: several of these photos are clearly in black and white. And the one in color is clearly a Photoshop from The Onion. Joe isn't fooling anyone. He also hasn't decided if he's running.

Electability Score: 2.5 / 100

Hillary Clinton

clinton

Keywords: YOUNG HILLARY AND BILL, 2016, PANTSUIT

A pantsuit for every mood of the electorate. Highly electable.

Electability Score: 92.7 / 100

The Republicans

Jeb Bush

bush

Keywords: FAMILY, GEORGE W BUSH, SON

Is George W. Bush really a magician who conjures a brother named Jeb? Does it matter? Will America elect anybody named Bush? Yes.

Electability Score: 84.2 / 100

Ben Carson

carson

Keywords: TWINS, FAMILY, OPERATING

Is Ben Carson running for president, or for patriarch of a '90s sitcom?

Electability Score: 12.4 / 100

Chris Christie

christie

Keywords: WEIGHT LOSS, BASEBALL, EATING

Christie hits two of America's favorite pastimes.

Electability Score: 66.6 / 100

Ted Cruz

cruz

Keywords: TATTOO, FAMILY, COLORING BOOK

Cruz's coloring book is a strong play for the youth vote. Unfortunately these youths have not reached voting age.

Electability Score: 8.3 / 100

Carly Fiorina

Keywords: 2015, 2014, 2013

Wanted: Somebody to go back in time with me and elect me president. This is not a joke. P.O. Box 322, Oakview, CA 93022. You'll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.

Electability Score: 88.8 / 100

Lindsey Graham

mccain

Keywords: AIR FORCE, JOHN MCCAIN, SMILE

By default, Graham's points are awarded to John McCain, who is not running for president.

Electability Score: 0 / 100

Mike Huckabee

huckabee

Keywords: BOOK, WEIGHT, FAMILY

Huckabee is so boring he exposes a flaw in The Verge's scoring system.

Electability Score: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ / 100

Bobby Jindal

jindal

Keywords: WIFE, OBAMA, DUCK DYNASTY

By mixing Obama with Duck Dynasty, Jindal is a volatile mixture, likely to explode in the polls. Duck and cover.

Electability Score: 7.3 / 100

Rand Paul

rand

Keywords: WIFE, FAMILY, SON ARRESTED

A beautiful couple. A beautiful family. A son they can't control.

Electability Score: 29.4 / 100

Marco Rubio

rubio

Keywords:

Marco Rubio is the only candidate in the election without Google Image Search categories. Our understanding is that this makes him constitutionally ineligible to run for president of the United States.

Electability Score: Disqualified

Rick Santorum

santorum

Keywords: FAMILY, DAUGHTER, SWEATER VEST

Rick Santorum has come from behind to defeat an extensive troll to sexualize his last name in Google Search results. The sweater vest candidate makes a strong showing.

Electability Score: 82.5 / 100

Rick Perry

perry

Keywords: GUN, GLASSES, CORNDOG

With this spread, Perry has all but secured the Texas vote, and possibly sections of Brooklyn that misidentify him as a hipster.

Electability Score: 81.8 / 100

Donald Trump

trump

Keywords: HAIR, HOUSE, CARS

As General Patton said, "Americans love a winner and will not tolerate a loser." As it appears Donald Trump has won the lottery. We sadly concede that Donald Trump will become the next president of the United States.

Electability Score: 99.6 / 100