Donald Trump reassured the nation tonight that the size of his alleged penis is adequate. At an officially sanctioned Republican presidential debate in Detroit, Trump responded to provocative remarks made by Senator Marco Rubio earlier this week.
Trump, understandably, did not let this schoolyard insult stand.
He hit my hands. Nobody has ever hit my hands, I've never heard of this one. Look at those hands. Are they small hands?
And, he referred to my hands — if they're small, something else must be small. I guarantee you there's no problem. I guarantee.
Earlier in the night, Trump asked everyone to follow him on Twitter. Later, he pledged to bulldoze the Environmental Protection Agency. At one point, he discussed the art of negotiation as a "tug" here and a "pull" there.
But if you're thinking Trump made history tonight, you should know that he would merely be the latest in what can only reasonably be assumed is a long line of American presidents who were obsessed with their penis. Consider this story from a biography of Lyndon Johnson, as told by The New York Review of Books in 2002:
He early became fabled for a Rabelaisian earthiness, urinating in the parking lot of the House Office Building as the urge took him; if a colleague came into a Capitol bathroom as he was finishing at the urinal there, he would sometimes swing around still holding his member, which he liked to call "Jumbo," hooting once, "Have you ever seen anything as big as this?," and shaking it in almost a brandishing manner as he began discoursing about some pending legislation.
At least this debate is honest.