The first thing I have to mention before I launch into my tirade is that I'm no teen expert. Sure, I recently rewatched season 1 of Gossip Girl, putting my mental age at 17. Yes, I'm a proud member of the #vox-teens (for 25 and under!!) Slack chatroom. I know full well that they'll kick me out in two months, when I hit 26 and my bones disintegrate into Benefiber.
But even I know that this trailer for Nintendo's new Miitomo app is flat-out WRONG on some fronts re: teens. Watch the trailer above to see what I mean, then come back.
WOW. So much to analyze. Let's go through the moments together.
This is a dad-joke disguised as a teen-joke. Any teen that makes a joke this bad would be mercilessly cyberbullied and blacklisted from the big school dance.
If high school-based movies taught me anything about cliques, it's that a soccer player and a girl in a monkey suit would never be friends in real life. Fake as hell.
Look, Nintendo, you're kidding yourself if you think any self-respecting teen would have fun at a piñata pony party. Teens would much rather vape behind the middle school while everyone runs the mile in P.E.
This girl has clearly modeled herself after Avril Lavigne, which I find hard to believe because "Sk8er Boi" came to cultural significance in 2002, presumably the year she was born. If Nintendo really wanted us to believe real teens would be using this app, this girl would be dangling precariously from that rainbow with a Yeezy Boost 350 on one foot and a Fenty Trainer on the other.
Really? Out of all the things, you'd buy a self-driving motor scooter? SMH, I don't even know what to do with you, Miitomo.