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Illustrated Bachelorette recap: the Chad Voltron

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Filling the void of Chad

This week was the third and final part to the Chadwick Trilogy. We last saw a jilted Chad returning to the Bachelor Mansion for what we presumed would be a violent showdown. And so we open with the guys, blissfully unaware of the looming threat and jovially celebrating Chad’s departure by throwing his protein powder ashes into the air. I cannot believe that was a real thing that happened and not a joke I made up.

When Chad shows up to the mansion, the dudes realize the error of their ways and talk it out, resolving their conflicts through mature communication. Nah, just kidding. They all hurl insults at each other and Evan saltily demands money for his shirt that Chad tore, like three weeks ago. At this point I’m thinking we should just start a GoFundMe for Evan’s shirt because what that boy needs most right now, after finally being booted off the show this week, is our support.

evan gofundme

Meanwhile, Alex comes back from his date to a hero’s welcome, sheet cake, sparklers, and all. The guys call him the "dragon slayer," ecstatic that somebody has done the dirty deed of sending Chad home.

alex cake

But the celebration doesn’t last long. In Chad’s absence, the guys realize they've lost a common enemy, and they themselves have become the Chads. It’s like a bunch of mini jerks all coming together to create one giant jerk, like a jerk Voltron formation.

The cocktail party that follows is like a dozen men playing musical chairs, but with only one really hot chair. Each vies for maximum face time with JoJo, who has to make exhausting small talk with each of them. James F. (the boxing club owner) finally has his first speaking moment on the show and he squanders it by opening his mouth and reading JoJo a dumb poem he wrote.

james poem

Unfortunately for James F., the poem may have contributed to his downfall. Approximately two minutes later at the rose ceremony, JoJo is sending him home. I know that if I were ever in a situation where I had to choose between two boys, I would definitely choose the non-poem-writing one because I am not trying to sign up for a lifetime of cringe.

Damn Daniel’s contractual obligation with the show came to an end this week, I was truly sad to see him go. Obviously he was a producer pick thrown onto the show for the lols, and boy, did he deliver. Thank you for your service, sir.

daniel

With the eliminations all done and out of the way, JoJo tells everyone to pack their bags, because they’re headed somewhere "exotic and romantic," Punta del Este, Uruguay! Nobody knows where this is or how to pronounce Uruguay but everyone cheers anyway.

Former Pro NFL Quarterback Jordan is the first to get a one-on-one date in Uruguay, and all the guys are like, "I don’t trust him any farther than I can throw a football." Same! Jordan is a snake, and a snake that’s not in this for the right reasons, at that.

jordan

After telling him that she met up with his ex, JoJo asks Jordan if he ever cheated and he answers "No" just a liiiittle too fast. He claims he never physically cheated on her but basically admitted to going around and being a little snake. I’m not even sure what he said exactly after this because it doesn’t matter and I stopped hearing words after that admission, but when I tuned back in, JoJo is all smiles again and she gives him the rose! NOOO!!

So all is well in JoJo-land and homegirl is on cloud nine: "I’m just so happy. I don’t think anything can take away this feeling!" At which point a Bachelorette producer is like, "Okay, but have you seen THIS" and shows her a tabloid article in which her ex claimed the two were sneaking around while JoJo was shooting The Bachelor. The timing of this reveal was truly sinister; you're crazy for this one, producers! They also slipped some issues of the magazine to Vinny’s makeshift barbershop for the guys to "accidentally discover" while getting their haircuts.

JoJo is devastated by the article, and puts on the comfiest — and also what appears to be the longest — cardigan I’ve ever seen to have a good cry in. Girl, let it all out!

The guys all believe her for the most part, and JoJo is reassured that she’s got a good group of guys with her. She takes Robby on the next one-on-one date and he tells her that he loves her, which is a completely normal thing to be telling someone on your first date. She responds with a "thank you" and tells the camera something to the effect of "I can see myself falling for him, too. Like possibly, in the future. Maybe I, too, will feel this way, also. Maybe."

We finally end the night with another rose ceremony, and erectile dysfunction specialist Evan gets the boot. His heart cries out for the love he never found, and the T-shirt that was never replaced. We also say goodbye to Firefighter Grant and Barbershop Vinny as she tells him, "You have made every single day so unbelievable for me." Really? You have literally never spoken to each other, I bet you can’t even name Vinny’s top five favorite barbers or gossip magazines.

Okay, I'm sorry JoJo Fletcher. That wasn't me, that was my jealousy talking. Please, just give me the cardigan.