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Illustrated Bachelorette recap: these are all of my boyfriends

Illustrated Bachelorette recap: these are all of my boyfriends

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I don't know what happened, but I blinked and suddenly we are left with only six guys trying to be JoJo's forever love (kind of like a forever home for puppies)! Their tanned faces are slowly becoming more and more distinguishable to me, like one of those misshapen Cheetos that happens to look like Jesus, if you squint hard enough.


To kick things off, Wells gets his first one-on-one date card, and he reveals to the guys that he still hasn't kissed JoJo. This is interpreted by the squad as weakness. Everyone knows that on The Bachelorette, weakness is grounds for relentless bullying.


Wells and JoJo go on an awkward date through Buenos Aires, and he's sweating through his shirt trying to find the perfect moment to lay a juicy one on his would-be forever love. The pressure is on! If this kiss isn't perfect ("What if you kiss her and there's no sparks?" Alex says helpfully), Wells is definitely outta there. Finally they kiss while sexily slip-sliding around in some kind of surf pool, but JoJo's like, "Nah, I'm not feeling this", and sends Wells home. I'm going to miss Wells, because he was cute as heck and seemed least likely to make JoJo's life a living hell after this show ends.

I'm glad that JoJo made sure to kiss every single one of the guys before making an informed decision. This is how all important decisions should be made. We should smooch every presidential candidate because that's just good democracy. America, please take cues from JoJo and weigh all of your options carefully this election season.


The group date is — surprise — another sports date! The gang organically stumbles onto a street soccer game, and naturally, a friendly game of "make the goal and kiss the girl" springs up, and it's all very natural. The BFG-like singer-songwriter James T. keeps complaining about how he's not as athletic and perfect as the other guys, but he's got a lot of heart! His underdog rant goes on for just a little longer than way too long.


Having to compete against bros like Jordan finally gets to James, and he cracks. He tattles on him to JoJo, who is now essentially a babysitter to six man-babies. Jordan's big crime against James? Apparently they were playing poker, and James and Jordan had a difference in opinion about the rules. Now that we know James is a sore loser, I'd hate to play something even more complicated with him, like Settlers of Catan.


JoJo picks Chase and Derek for the two-on-one date, which is a smart strategy considering the two dudes are essentially the same and, like a CEO after a difficult merger, JoJo must cut the redundancies. We quickly learn the whole reason why we're in Argentina, which is to set-up a three-way tango date. I can imagine The Bachelorette producers talking to the poor travel coordinator who had to make international booking plans for nine people plus production crew:


Chase has proven that facial expression-wise, he doesn't have the range. If he were an emoticon, he would definitely be (-_-). Despite all this, JoJo pulls a fast one on us, the unsuspecting viewer, and chooses Chase anyway. Derek is upset enough to refer to himself in third person ("I'm Derek. And Derek is imperfect."). The montage that follows — Derek crying in the cab while JoJo and Chase dance to a live rendition of "Don't cry for me Argentina" sung by an Argentine folk singer — should be nominated for an Emmy, nay, an Oscar in the "Best Foreign Film" category.

Then JoJo pulls a rare second fast one (rings the fast one alarm) and tells Chris Harrison that she can't give the last rose away. We assume this mean our wise Bachelorette knows it's slim pickin's between underdog James T. and human turtleneck Alex and that she wants to send them both home, but no! She gives them both roses, which means there's plenty of time for numbing card-game drama to arise in the next week. Nobody tell James about Uno (Get it? Because they're in Argentina? Lo siento).