First of all, Keith Urban seems like a nice guy. I like and respect him insofar as I appreciate that he is making Nicole Kidman much happier than she was when she was married to a Scientologist. He was charming on American Idol, and “Tonight I Wanna Cry” is a beautiful tune that I typically agree with.
Unfortunately, whether or not Keith Urban is a nice guy isn’t really useful information to me, a young woman who has listened to his new song “Female” — a response to the recent flood of sexual assault allegations against Harvey Weinstein — and is now bleeding profusely from the eyes, nose, and ear canals. Keith intends to perform it this weekend at the Country Music Association Awards, and he explained its existence to The Associated Press, saying, "I am surrounded by females in my life. I grew up in a house with boys, no sisters. Now I am in a house that’s all girls. So this song speaks to me on a lot of levels.”
I have absolutely no idea what that means, so let’s just pivot and dig into the actual lyrics of beautiful new song “Female,” which is about females. Keith Urban is surrounded by them, in his life. I forgot to mention it earlier, but in addition to the blood, all of my teeth have fallen out. It’s a problem, and I’ll deal with it later!
Here’s the first verse of “Female:”
When you hear somebody say somebody hits like a girl
How does that hit you?
Is that such a bad thing?
When you hear a song that they play saying you run the world
Do you believe it?
Will you live to see it?
So far, no one has been bold enough to add an annotation to this verse of “Female” on its Genius page. As a brave female with literally moments left before the Vox Media HQ cleaning staff comes and sweeps up what is left of me — a dusty pile of hip bones, under-arm fat, uterine lining, and Luna Bar crumbs — I will take this one for the team.
This verse of “Female” references Beyoncé's 2011 single “Run the World (Girls),” which Keith Urban sort of doubts the general message of. This is, I will use one of my last breaths to say, an... extraordinary way for a man to begin a song.
By the way, here’s me:
Okay, verse two:
When somebody laughs and implies that she asked for it
Just cause she was wearing a skirt
Now is that how it works?
When somebody talks about how it was Adam first
Does that make you second best?
Or did he save the best for last?
There are no annotations on this verse yet, either. I’m not sure what’s stopping people from wading in here. Maybe it’s Keith’s choice to put sexual assault on the same plane as vaguely rude readings of Bible stories? Maybe it’s the insertion of creationism into a song that is otherwise not really about disproved science?
Maybe we are all just thinking quietly to ourselves about how best to answer Keith’s several questions.
Okay, here’s the chorus:
Healer, broken halo
Fire, suit of armor
Soul survivor, Holy Water
Secret keeper, fortune teller
Virgin Mary, scarlet letter
Technicolor river wild
Baby girl, women shine
Should we do this word by word?
“Sister:” A type of female. “Shoulder:” A type of female. “Daughter:” A type of female. “Lover:” A type of female. “Healer:” A type of female. “Broken halo:” A type of female. “Mother nature:” A type of female. “Fire:” A type of female. “Suit of armor:” A type of female. “Soul survivor:” A type of female. “Holy Water:” A type of female. “Secret keeper:” A type of female. “Fortune teller:” A type of female. “Virgin Mary:” A type of female. “Scarlet letter:” A type of female.
“Technicolor river wild:” A type of female. “Baby girl:” A type of female. “Women shine:” A type of female.
“Female:” A type of female.
These are all the types of female that exist, and Keith was very thorough.
Here’s the bridge:
She's the heart of life
She's the dreamer's dream
She's the hands of time
She's the queen of kings
Beautiful. Females are amazing. Honestly where would you be without females? You would have no time hands and no life hearts. Think about that.
Here’s the outro:
All women should be given a paid week off from work this month. Female!