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Bird watching, for people who hate birds

Bird watching, for people who hate birds


The Fuck-tailed Flycatcher, the White-breasted Butt Nugget, and the Goddamned Canada Goose

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Birds look mean, you can’t pet them, and they shit on you. Maybe I loathe them because I’ve lived in cities my whole life, and my few interactions with birds consist of the following:

  • pigeons (aka rats with wings) clogging the pavement and flying in your face
  • seagulls pooping on my head (seagulls take massive dumps, in case you didn’t know)
  • cute birds that chirp too damn loud in the morning when I’m trying to sleep

I also find birds scary. There’s something ominous about those beaks and claws — a reminder that the animals are living dinosaurs that would rule over all of us if it weren’t for their relatively small size. Birds are my least favorite animals.

So I was pleased to stumble upon this snarky Tumblr by a fellow bird hater: Field Guide to Dumb Birds of America. It’s a delightful collection of bird drawings paired with improved names like the Fuck-tailed Flycatcher, the White-breasted Butt Nugget, and the Goddamned Canada Goose. I don’t know who’s the genius behind this, but the explanation for the blog’s existence is hilarious.

In short, this person was asked to bird watch the Golden Crowned Kinglet for a fourth grade assignment, but miserably failed because the birds are tiny and antisocial. Fast forward about 35 years, and the blogger was out walking with their wife, when they spotted a Golden Crowned Kinglet. The person tried to take a photo, but again failed.

But that tiny little fucker would not stop jumping rapidly from spot to spot, barely landing in the branches of a bush for a split second before it flitted away behind a leaf or into some tall grass each time before I could find it and my camera could focus on it. It was like trying to capture photographic evidence of goddamned Bigfoot.

“Pretty,” my wife said when it finally flew away into the trees, and we walked on.

“You little son of a bitch,” I thought, and I decided to make this blog.

The 20 plus field notes posted on the site are guaranteed to give you a laugh. Here are some of my favorites.

And if you ever want to go bird watching, the blog has some tips. Among them: bring binoculars (“Without binoculars you’re just some loser sitting in the bushes”) and a thermos filled with alcohol (“Let’s be honest, this shit is boring as hell. You might as well put some booze in that thermos. Trust me, when it comes to watching birds it helps to be a little drunk”).

In any case, it’s spring now. And the birds are here to harass us.