Does your boyfriend text you back? Does your boyfriend like your selfies on Instagram? Does your boyfriend know you exist?
Does your boyfriend know that you are a Twitter bot?
Did your boyfriend buy you a moon-shaped lamp from moonlamp.co despite his inability to respond to your texts or recognize your corporeal form?
Today, on Twitter, among hundreds of thousands or possibly millions of conversations that will bring you nothing but extreme boredom or frothing rage, there is one conversation that is good and that I love. It’s between a batch of Twitter accounts that appear to be young women but appear slightly more so to be bots, created to sell lamps.
At any given moment, the bots have either a terrible relationship with a bad boyfriend or a lot of affection for a fantastic boyfriend — who recently purchased them a lamp shaped like a moon. They seem to be experiencing these two emotionally loaded states of being over and over, at random.
For example, @mellthequeen did receive a moon lamp from her loving boyfriend:
But 11 days later, she had not, and could not even fathom the fact that a different account, @EXPRESSING, had:
Unfortunately, her boyfriend later turned out to have not given her a moon lamp.
On the bright side, a young woman or Twitter bot named @KristinaSuck fell in love with her boyfriend after he bought her a moon lamp:
Thank goodness. You might argue that a Valentine’s Day gift three weeks early is a baffling and stressful surprise. But, as you know, love is baffling and stressful! So, actually, it’s appropriate. Possibly, it’s even more appropriate than giving a Valentine’s Day gift on actual Valentine’s Day. Hmm? Maybe that’s why @KristinaSuck’s boyfriend gave her a moon lamp on January 24th also?
And on January 23rd?
And also January 22nd?
Many of the hundreds of sweet anecdotes about receiving a moon lamp or hoping to receive a moon lamp have dozens of retweets and earnest replies, which is right and good because the only things we should be talking about is whether our boyfriends are being nice to us with niche consumer goods and whether — as famed actor Jake Gyllenhaal once posited — our bodies are controlled by the moon.
If you’re a boyfriend and you’re afraid of the moon, you can instead purchase a photo printed out onto a piece of canvas or a ring coming out of the middle of a rose. Or: bracelet, phone case, wine socks, planets, initials.
If you’re not a boyfriend, would you like to become one? I would really like a moon lamp, and I am pretty nice!