It is Valentine’s Day, and you’re doing what makes the most sense — sitting very still in your immaculate apartment, waiting for the doorbell to ring.
Thanks to Tinder, several people who were doing this have been rewarded for their faith and cleanliness with a visit from Adam Levine. Amazing! Communications firm Bite Global shared this information with The Verge and (I assume) dozens to hundreds of other outlets, with a gorgeous email:
The email included a link to a YouTube video in which Adam Levine visits three groups of “unsuspecting people,” all of whom live in homes that are spotless and glowing — like hearts that have yet to experience butter or unrequited love.
Here, please meet them:
heterosexual couple, in love
After Adam makes a small joke about Maroon 5’s guitarist James Valentine being homeless (haha, he’s not, but a lot of people are!), he informs us that he’s going to surprise Los Angeles residents Austin and Katie with a song. Adam describes Austin and Katie as a “beautiful couple,” prior to having met them.
Arriving at their stunning apartment full of clean wine glasses he asks, “Can I use your bathroom?” Then he sings the 2002 radio hit “She Will Be Loved,” and watches them touch each other.
It’s very romantic. Particularly the part where Adam’s hair, skin, and shirt blend almost entirely into the white wall and white sofa (white sofa!) and you can barely even figure out where the beautiful music is coming from. I don’t see a throat? I don’t see a mouth? I don’t see a reason for any of this to be happening? Ah, but love is a mystery, as dark and complex as the interiority of another person, as counterintuitive and multi-hued as Tinder’s new interface.
heterosexual man, single
Next, Adam says he’s going to go surprise “this guy,” who needs his Tinder profile to be “pimped out,” and also needs two six-packs of Corona in the middle of the day. From “this guy’s” existing Tinder profile, we can see that his name is Ronnie. His apartment is gorgeous and clean. His sofa is leather, and his throw pillow is a nice touch.
Adam tells Ronnie to remove a professional headshot from his Tinder profile and replace it with something more casual. This is good advice. Then, apropos of nothing that the video editors saw fit to leave in, Adam informs Ronnie, “I don’t know one girl on the face of the Earth who doesn’t appreciate a funny person.” The fact that we don’t know what this is in reference to, and that it’s possible Ronnie has like, a Caddyshack screenshot in his Tinder profile, is absolutely not punching tiny holes in my stomach lining like a Diet Coke mixed with Pop Rocks mixed with flesh-eating bacteria. I’m fine!
Adam recites a U2 lyric, which Ronnie dutifully types in as his new Tinder bio. No one knows what Ronnie’s Tinder bio was before, but now it’s, “I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.”
Outside in Ronnie’s yard, Adam says, “That went really well.”
heterosexual female friends, single
On the way to his final stop, Adam Levine says, “Galentine’s Day... I don’t know what that is. I think it has something to do with girls hanging out and being friends on Valentine’s Day when they don’t necessarily have a partner to share it with. Which, that’s cool, boys are lame.” Sounds like he does know what it is.
He carries a gift basket full of “champagne, cameras, pink things,” into an apartment dappled with natural light and shared by two female friends. It seems like their kitchen table is made out of real wood. They scream and scream but their affect is difficult to read. Surprise? Maybe. Euphoria? Hm. Something else? Who knows. Women are inscrutable, as evidenced by their insistence on celebrating alt holidays that no one understands or keeps Adam Levine informed of, hence his need to guess what they are — accurately, because he is a genius.
“Nice to meet you,” Adam tells them. Then he gets back in the van.
While the Adam Levine portion of this Valentine’s Day is now (sadly) over, you should remember that you can still tweet your “V-Day wishes” to @Postmates or @Tinder, using at least two emoji, as well as the hashtag #VDAYANDCHILL, for a chance to have them fulfilled by Postmates and Tinder.
Happy Valentine’s Day, and may all your wishes come true! Mine already did, because my wish was “to receive emails from brands, regarding Valentine’s Day.”